Saturday, December 6, 2014: Hulk Hogan was a Smiling Zeus.
I claimed that “No Holds Barred” was a manifesto of what Vince McMahon wanted to do with pro wrestling, but the audience wasn’t ready for it. This film could have been an inspiration for how Eric Bischoff successfully started the Monday Night War. Turner had purchased the film’s distributor, New Line, only six months prior to Hogan signing with WCW. And Bischoff had just received the promotion to executive producer. This also shows that Hogan is a complete work of fiction. Rip wouldn’t sell out.
“The New Generation” in the WWE wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but the business wasn’t ready for it. With the lengthiness of careers (Viva Funk), it occurred 20 years ahead of schedule. And it’s also evidence that history repeats itself after Vince McMahon’s claims of a lack of ambition being what’s driving his sports entertainment entity to the point where he may want to purchase it off the NYSE. It’s hard to be ambitious when the boss says carrying around a trash can or a bunny tag team partner is “making it.”
It can be argued that all of the controversies about the WWF required a turnover of talent, but Bischoff realized like Brell…(Damn, do I need to watch this film again to nail the quote…has IMDb left any of you readers down in a similar fashion?)…WHAT RATINGS ARE (no I didn’t rewatch NHB). He knew, as indicated by drug user Nelson Cruz’s contract with the Mariners and the continued viewership of American football as their stars who are building resumes to match Bill Cosby, fans do not care about the conditions that do not directly involve the business they’ve always watched. WCW got noticed by using the ratings that were lost to in the name of Ahmed Johnson. When the circumstances were right, they performed the helicopter at the NHB’s charity event scene at Bash at the Beach. Ironically, the Hulk Hogan character let all his little fans down.
As I mentioned earlier, history is currently repeating itself. To make things better, we just need someone with money and comically evil aspirations. Except this time, we don’t have to wait three-years for a Steve Austin to fill the role of Rip Thomas.
Chris Hardwick can be Kurt Fuller and CM Punk is the Cool Protagonist that McMahon wanted Rip to be.
CM Punk is the only name in the wrestling business that draws attention. Nerdist, being backed by Legendary, can surely obtain some network influence. A draw and network, two things that allowed for WWE to be vulnerable. With Nerdist being dependent on knowing what is awesome, they cannot afford to not have a clue of what people want to see. This could be the basis of a promotion that is based around great wrestling, not the vision of one creative mind, like all other wrestling promotions in the states seem to be.
All you would need is a Zeus like bad-ass to dethrone. After he is knocked on his ass, you have great wrestlers take on the champion until one shows they maybe better. Brock Lesnar’s contract runs up after Wrestlemania, and since WWE isn’t going to use an organic star to take his championship away, you can have him be the invincible nemesis with no loss in credentials.
“No Holds Barred” is the “Art of War.” You follow the plot of this film, and you should be able to reign on top of the wrestling business. Chris Hardwick (perhaps Matt Mira would be the better for the role) is the ambition, CM Punk is the hero, Brock Lesnar is the villain, and the Nerdist Network is the setting. Definitely seems more interesting than the New Day being wasted on Golddust and Stardust. Maybe we can have the actual Dust Brothers provide the soundtrack. Can Jim Johnston answer that?
The geek shall inherit the Earth, or at least the pro-wrestling business. Perhaps Will Wheaton is the ideal heel executive. We would have all loved to see Wesley Crusher accidentally electrocute himself.
Tuesday, December 10, 2012: UFC FIRSTIES!!!
So as I concluded the first portion of this blog, the announcement was made that CM Punk will be joining the UFC. I guess Dana White has similar cinematic taste…or Netflix.
With every former WWE contract worker throwing their name into the hat to be the other 0-0-0 MMA opponent for CM Punk debut, Russ Stevens (a.k.a. Russell Claude Stevens, a.k.a. Shooter Staley) may as well join the club…just to see if I can get some coverage on wrestlezone.com.
For the benefit of those here for the satire-based around a Hulk Hogan movie, I’ll place the support for my pitch at the bottom of the entry.
December 13, 2012: Dana White’s “Battle of the Tough Guys.”
CM Punk is a showman. A showman who likes a high-impact environment to be his canvas. It makes perfect sense that Punk would want to go to a place where he doesn’t have to depend on a promoter saying what he can and cannot have. Draws get that luxury, he just didn’t have to obtain a dominant amateur record to become a draw.
I think Dana White has realized that the sport is becoming stagnant. Since Anderson Silva lost the middleweight title and George St. Pierre left the sport, there hasn’t been a reason for me to watch. Everyone is just vanilla (Rhonda Rousey is too sour, for my taste), and since I had probably spent a gallon of gas for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra (only to find out my hotel doesn’t have an employee freezer…karma?), vanilla doesn’t draw new people in.
CM Punk is salt. It isn’t sweet, so why the hell is it going to be combined with a flavor that is? But we’re Americans, and we’ve accepted that salt is awesome (my lisinopril prescription is an indicator of that). All I needed was salted-caramel flavored vodka to know what true awesomeness is.
Maybe I should leave my pitch to fight Punk at that. The sport: the caramel. Punk: the salt. I’m the hooch needed to make the investment work.
There is a ceiling on Punk in the UFC. You can always book him in winnable fights, but I don’t think he has the experience and or the health to be a championship contender. In other words, after a few fights, fans of the sport won’t see the point if he cannot advance. This is how most fighters careers end up in Bellator and then AXS Fights. Only their fans want to see them fight. Eventually they run out of outlets, and then they’re stuck in an existential crisis…kind of Schrodinger’s Cat-like from my experience.
Dana White can change this. If CM Punk can prove he is a legitimate tough guy (which means don’t let me get inside his reach), people will gain a new respect for professional wrestling. So, if White and Punk form a pro-wrestling sister promotion, there will be a place for the middle of the road fighters to make a living.
Maybe I’m just hoping for a throwback to the days of Mid-South wrestling. If you lost a bar fight, you were canned, so only the tough guys got to perform for Bill Watts. Being tough is all that I know I can do well. With the promotions in smaller cities, I’ve just seen too many people get into the wrestling business to play bad ass instead of working to become one. They usually have the pencil, so when I called them out for it, I got lead poisoning.
A UFC-based wrestling promotion would be required to have programs that would always need to make sense. The guys are tough, so they’re automatically cool. It’s what mature wrestling fans are yearning for. All that is needed is a relevant performer to draw attention to it.
This can definitely work. Remember when Bischoff took an idea from Japan to form the New World Order. Why wouldn’t ripping off Inoki Genome Federation (founder of New Japan Pro which had the takeover angle) work, as long as you follow the screenplay from 1989?
The only thing that is suppose to scare Dana White off from this concept is that the man he is competing against failed to expand his brand into other realms. The XFL and WBF tell you to stick to what you know.
Then again, he hired CM Punk. White is in a comfortable place where he can risk something on the unknown. I just hope he knows he has all the elements that allows him to leave Vince McMahon staining a limousine seat, while he still has control of his bowels. Wait too long to have “Battle of the Tough Guys” on FOX, Vince shitting himself will not be as rewarding.
Oh, and while were discussing Dana White gambling on the unknown:
CM Punk vs “Shooter” Scoop Staley:
I finished my bar room boxing and Toughman contest career with an even record 6-6 featuring an open weight tournament championship (I was weighing in at 184). My successes came after being left concussed and my nose being broken by former UFC welterweight Derrick “Nightmare” Noble in the first 15 seconds of my second fight. If that didn’t stop me, I think I’m up for Punk.
This career was ended when the state of Illinois outlawed the sport over a few injuries and deaths (the latter occurring in Florida, where else). What’s the point of Affordable Healthcare if I can’t pick off the newly insured? Thanks Obama.
I had a seven-year long amateur-wrestling career at one of Central Illinois premier wrestling schools of the 1990’s, Morton High School. The last five-years of it, no opponent was able to pin me. Along with being named team captain, my senior year was highlighted with me qualifying for the State sectional tournament and being rewarded the schools award for most dedicated wrestler. During my time as an amateur, I received instruction from camps hosted by four Olympic champions (Dan Gable, Tom Brands, and Ben and John Peterson). This leaves me confident that I can roll around with my opponent and wait for the easy choke or ground and pound.
I can also claim to be the shooter of Danny Daniels’s second class (2006, the top student being AAW Triple Crown Champion and current trainer at Seth Rollins’s “Black and the Brave Wrestling Academy,” Shane Hollister). This may have been a detriment to my advancement with my stiff forearms and impactful round house kicks, but I proved my mat skills by choking out the class’s bully multiple times without tapping to him.
Fellow student and Ultimate Fighter contestant Wayne Weems may contest my claim to being the shooter. Too be clear, I’m not claiming that he was the bully of the class. Not that he would have been anyhow. He seemed to attend weekly practice as much as he attended the Miletich Fightings System. Our high schools were also rivals through out the 1990’s, so I bring shame to my fellow Morton Potters if I don’t risk his fury. Scott County Wrestling, feel free to book this.
As for the actual reasons I didn’t reach the heights of Seth Rollins:
- I’m not a natural athlete (heart can only get you so far, it can’t cover up klutzy)
- Height and build didn’t help (5'5" and stout, even at 160 pounds)
- I’m an introvert suffering from codependency issues (yes, I’m a cat owner…with seven cats tattooed on my body)
- I was incapable of successfully portraying a good heel (but I thought I was a decent Danny Daniels stunt double)
My nine-year pro-wrestling career maybe the result of my Irish quarter getting the better of my primarily English heritage. True freedom is a punch in a face or a decent buzz. This may imply I know more about the world than Punk.
After my brief return to the wrestling ring in 2011 as El Futbol Loco “The Limey Luchador,” I realized my shortcomings as pro-wrestler. But I still like the showmanship and the high impact, so I considered going into to MMA to get that fix. If there is another performer who is looking for the same fix, it’s only natural for me to want to seek him out and test not only him, but myself.
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