Mark Dacascos the Booker: A Call for a Zombie-Themed Wrestling Podcast

I have recently thought about removing The Tennis Channel from my favorites list on my Comcast receiver. It is a sport I've never played with the exception of my first stint at Camp of Champs (an amateur wrestling/Christian camp ran by Olympic Champions Ben and John Peterson, if it is still in operations, send your kids there [tell the youngster to think of the religion as "philosophy"]), because our cabin needed someone to fake it. Fortunately, other sports weren't the proficiency of the campers, so we faked our way to third. If it wasn't for Nintendo, would I have a reason to respect the sport?

Why am I messing with the sport best known for douche bags (Agassi, McEnroe, Riggs, Waluigi)? Because they are preempting the sports talk TV shows that I listen to as podcasts at work. Does anyone have some cool, raw rock n' roll suggestions? If it is popular on any station that uses Rocks (as a verb) in its title, I won't give it my time.

Short on tunes and talking heads for my ear balls, I've been made to search for other podcast to listen to. So I got scared to find Nerdist has their guys for my field of expertise: wrestling wisdom. Then I listened to them.

If you aren't confident that the concept of "Main Event of the Dead," my B-movie script about lower level indie wrestlers versus in-politically correct gimmicked zombies, doesn't translate into its original intended format, it may as part of a podcast. Please leave me some feedback to tell me otherwise or how to tweak it.

My nerdy gimmick to podcast is to perform a table read of a non-wrestling scene from my screenplay, going for the Cut Scene feel from the NES "Ninja Gaiden" series, after the first promotional break. I guess I'd be trying to top Colt Cabana's "Song of the Week" and trying to encourage more of his "65-year old Jewish Mother Recites a Classic Wrestling Promo" segments.

It would also be a podcast that acknowledges WWE does not necessarily (a stretch to use a term that lacks confidence) have the best wrestling. It will work better than any of the podcasts dedicated to the wrestling business presented by marks.

I'm not saying that only wrestlers can have wrestling podcast. The two I've come across are amusing for the most part, at least they were before the Bella Bitches (I'm just using alliteration) are dominating the majority of WWE's programming. "Legends House 2" beware of twin black magic.

Cheap Heat - Cheap Promotion.

"Cheap Heat" has gone out of their way to trash wrestling fans for not approving the angle. They claim, and base it on Jim Ross's philosophy (the best podcaster in regards to the business), that it's a great personal issue so it will put asses every 18 inches. Poor acting without great wrestling won't sell a pay-per-view. Both hosts watch "Total Divas" and Peter Rosenberg's livelihood is based on ridiculous, mostly fictitious, and sadly ironic real-life drama, so maybe he no longer knows any better.

I'm lead to theorize that Vince McMahon may have made the network to eventually avoid the big budgets for pay-per-view sets since the subscribers get so much content for...okay, because you need the WWE Network to be a happy wrestling fan...$9.99, they can't bitch about the Raw/Smackdown set being used an extra day a month? Also, it allows him to get away with his overly scripted product because fans of bad television will certainly like forced acting. The advertising revenue will be greater, just look at TNA Impact.

If you look at the ratings of pro wrestling, when compared to the Monday Night Wars (if you call it the "Attitude Era," that means you didn't watch the promotions not ran by McMahon [and you may have a future as a booker in Central Illinois]), it's evident that only true professional wrestling fans are watching wrestling. True fans or worse, only fans who Mark Madden suggests dedicated themselves solely to the product from the town of Jerry Springer's studio. The PG-Era has not increased the number, so this product isn't working to draw new fans, so let's not insult the majority of your audience.

And let's not insult your listeners so that the McMahons will respect you enough to let you be part of the company in an on air capacity. You're not a wrestler Heel Rosenberg. You're definitely not Bobby Heenan. Thus, we cannot get the satisfaction of seeing you get your ass kicked and/or stuffed into a animal costume and thrown into a Furious Furry Fuck Fest.

The WWE's chauvinistic agenda as channeled through Micheal Cole resulted me in not watching televised wrestling the from the conception of the NXT TV show (not the Network exclusive that has all its events available on Hulu) to the Pipe Bomb. And I'm thankful because it spared me Cole's Wrestlemania Moment.

Wrestling Compadres Slamcast - Nerdist Needs No Soundboard.

I thought I had to surrender my latest concept for promoting "Main Event of the Dead" when I discovered that The Nerdist Network has a wrestling podcast. After two episodes, I've determined that they may be able to support a second.

It isn't a bad podcast, but it feels like a morning radio show. Can wrestling fans stomach five days of wrestling? I suppose since Howard Stern has a station, fans cannot get enough of their bullshit. So, does anyone need "Java with Jedi" to get you AM ratings? If I can't direct, maybe I can host.

The "Wrestling Compadres Slamcast" is fun. They're interviews are entertaining, but not really enlightening which I think every nerd wants when they listen to a show dedicated to their fix. Their main device for amusement is to overplay the "best" soundbite. So if I didn't get enough Bella bull-bowel release, I get the clip I switched the channel from over 10 times. This week: "I wish you would have died with the womb," Nikki Bella.

Thanks for making us fear Chris Hardwick. What if he get the voice box that Duke Phillips tried to make Jay Sherman use to boost ratings. Would Matt Weiner appreciate any dialogue from "Madmen" or "The Sopranos" being repeated throughout his 90-minute interview? To Weiner's credit, his scripts are not ridiculous enough to supply such a soundbite.

This reminds me of the "Cheap Heat" issue they had discussed after their discussion about the authentic Bret Hart shades from Montreal 97 and why there should be no criticism of the diva disaster. They did discuss why the heel authority still do the corporate charity events. Since the First Family of Fake Fighting (it is a real sport, but the premise clears me using THE F WORD) participates, none of the evil shit that is spoken has any value. But at least Stephanie McMahon was raised to be involved in the business. Even if it is unbelievable, she has had practice to make you still want to hate her instead of wondering if "The Daily Show" could start a few minutes early.

The Bellas are models turned wrestlers. Models who like, the stereotype, were never intended to promote any thoughts. They were cursed because of the twin angle. That makes me think, did the Harris Brothers ever have a successful feud? Any attempt to make twins individuals will fail because the differences are forced. The twins cannot work as individuals because they were never meant to be individuals. And, until they needed drama on a TV show, they never got the chance to be nothing more than eye-candy. Sanitized eye-candy.

Diva's who cannot wrestle (or exploit their "natural" strengths) are the equivalent to fast food in commercials. They look great. Foodies may say they look beautiful. But there is a reason why Taste scores more points than Plate Setting and Originality on "Iron Chef." It's better to have a 15 point tasty, original meal than a 10 point original and pretty plate.

But you can't sell taste, so podcasters do not.

I'd like to give it a try. It's my nature. Everything I try, no one believe I can pull it off. Thus, my mental issues. Is it me for not being realistic, or it no one believes I can succeed unless they want me to.

12/1/14: Where's the WWE Union and Where's "No Holds Barred 2: Return of the Lazy Eye?"

Where’s the WWE Union and Where’s “No Holds Barred 2: Return of the Lazy Eye?”

Why is it when you feel like Tim Roth shouting at a guy who just lost an ear, variables always seem to get thrown at you that prevents relief, even on your day off? I am assuming bronchitis, so my high alcohol tolerance preventing me from trying to get a hang over to spew the ills away is Mr. Blonde bullshit. “Escape from New York” being too good to be background noise, thus demanding my total attention preventing me from writing this blog, is Mr. Pink saying I won’t get the medical care I need (we’ll call that sleep). Hopefully, my go to audio ambiance, the Tiny Lister classic “Men of War,” will at least shut Chris Penn up, and finishing this blog for eternal (I wish) slumber will be Mr. White’s bullet.

For more metaphors related to “Reservoir Dogs,” ask about seeing the treatment for “Main Event of the Dead,” my pro-wrestling zomcom screenplay by e-mailing russthebus07@gmail.com.

This would be a great place to transition to talking about the subject matter of this eventual edition to the “Rip ‘Em System” Tublr, but I do want to address “The Art of Wrestling with CM Punk and Colt Cabana,” that I’m still trying to download. The WWE “workers” need to get their shit together and form a union. I’m fairly certain the quotes I’ve read about the WWE’s denial or ignorance of the actual state of their talents’ health are true. To clarify, this ignorance is probably directed to the workers with voices that the company does not want to be heard.

Dolph Ziggler and The Miz get all of the time off to recover from a concussion since they ride with the physician. These guys are also products of WWE, not the indie scene, so they’ve been developed by the McMahons to be the sports entertainers they want to showcase despite they can’t pull up Punks kick pad (maybe lace up is the correct term, I got mine through Highspots or Century instead of eLucha.

I’m not saying that Ziggler and Miz aren’t talented. Ziggler’s athleticism is outstanding which is his downfall because it seems to be the emphasis of his offense. It just seems sloppy because he wants to execute every one of his signature moves too fast. This may just be a personal preference since I seem to be the minority. Most of my fellow veterans of the squared circle (a Barry Horowitz moment) opinions coincide with the majority. The Miz is awe…inspiring on the mic which is why I loved his tag team with John Morrison. Mike could sell the true talent, like he’s doing with Mizdow.

Still, these two performers work so hard to be social network relevant, you’d expect they’d be capable of doing the socially responsible thing and support a union to assure the safety and proper compensation that all of their fellow “Superstars” deserve. The workers have no other options when it comes to making a celebrity-style living. Unless CM Punk fights A.J. Styles for the command of the Bullet Club, there is no competing promotion to work for that give the performers leverage.

Vince McMahon may not go for dealing with a union, but if all the talent joins, he’ll have to rely on his subpar writing to get over subpar wrestlers. I think the 18 to 35 is still his target demographic, so he’d better be ready to return to Saturday mornings curtain jerking for figure skating and gymnastics, hoping for a bump from “The Mighty Morphing Power Rangers.” In the end, Jerry Lawler would become the head of talent relations as every non-union athlete prepares for his General Mills cereal box gimmick.

Or should I have said Post because of their established relationship with Fruity Pebbles?

http://barbershopwindow.com

Perhaps my proposal of a union wouldn’t have been needed if Hollywood would have capitalized on the home video market during the boom in wrestling. Why wasn’t there a “Planet of the Samoans” franchise developed between Wrestlemania and Wrestlemania XVII? Could you imagine the reboot when you cast The Rock as Cesar?

Give me some props for the round about way of getting to what I really wanted to write about this week.

What did we get with the mixed martial arts boom? Tap Out putting their name of direct to DVD films. It may have slowed down recently, but since at least 2008 (when I was living with a girl, trying to find cheap flicks to watch instead of giving into budgeting her need for cable TV) I found on my weekly visit to the Walmart electronic shelves, a long side the knock off of the soon-to-be-released theatrical horror flick with a gimmick, was a flick about no-holds-barred fighting with an MMA star second billed behind the guy who probably produced the vast majority of them.

Have I watched many of them? No. Why would I? These are movies focusing on guys who seem to have no prerequisite in the minimal requirements in acting or telling a story. And then you add in the MMA fighters with the same qualities when it comes to the big screen (is 40" a big enough screen, or should I have opted for a bigger TV from my folks instead of the PS4?). I should be more careful with my words, Vinnie Jones tends to star in these films. Can we just make him a citizen so he doesn’t have to work on these projects to stay in the States?

Isn’t pro-wrestling better suited as subject matter for a direct to video release? It’s a crooked business, probably more so than the UFC, so stories are easy to write. I’d just like to see one undercover cop in the ring, or maybe I just want to see the further relevance of Jacques Rougeau. El Santo had a rather epic film career in Mexico, a market that WWE hasn’t seemed to make any headway with (way to go Hunter).

Growing up with parents who didn’t let me watch “Gremlins” until I was twelve (but listen to the vinyl records that came with kids meals from Hardee’s, and they wonder why I was afraid of the dark until I realized the joy of sleeping past noon [that may have been different if “Muppet Babies” was still on]), there wasn’t much for me at the video store after I out grew “The Masters of the Universe.” All there was that didn’t make it to the Morton Cinema, the Varsity Theatre, the Beverly Theater, or the Fox Theater (P-Town represent) were horror movies.

My parents also let me watch pro-wrestling because they knew it was fiction. All I knew of the boxing realm was “Rocky III.” It would have been nice to have had stories starring Randy Savage, Jake Roberts, and Junkyard Dog. I think my dad’s favorite music was Curtis Mayfield, so we could have bonded over the cinema you’d expect a JYD flick to be.

It’s not like these movies wouldn’t be appreciated by Cannon and Newline Cinemas, houses built by Chuck Norris and Freddy Krueger respectively.

Could you imagine Chuck Norris versus Hulk Hogan? The only time in the 80’s where we could have seen the Hulkster doing the favor (or else). If we had two or three of these films a year (from 1985-1988), NHB may have been cinema gold that could have prevented the rise (crawl may be the better suited term) of 90’s comic book movies. Lori Petty may not have been one of the dream lays of my adolescence (behind Kelly MacDonald and Chun-Li ["Street Fighte 2: The World Warrior"]), but from the lessons learned, “Ready to Rumble” may have been a masterpiece. If Warner Bros. thought it could top “No Holds Barred 3: Brell Lives,” of course.

Hind sight is a Bella Twin (better to use that B-word than the other five-lettered one). Or it’s just evidence of how out-of-touch Vince McMahon is. Here is a qualifying question Cabana should have asked (if he didn’t…listening to audio from YouTube at work tomorrow seems awkward): What was the last film McMahon saw. It couldn’t have been either of the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” films if you locate the most recent (11/30/14) Paul Burchill interview.

Knowing that if you dawned the spandex (the most comfortable fabric in the world…Lycra specifically), you would have multiple income sources if you worked hard enough, the selfish attitudes that will likely never see the WWEPA (I’d hope the boys will call themselves performers instead of Superstars) would be fine. It was the 80’s, if there was ever a time to for pro-wrestling movies leading to decadence, it was then.

There’s the future for CM Punk. I’m sure there will be characters from Marvel that won’t be featured in Phase IV. Time to get to producing. Surely, Seth Green would step aside to let Colt Cabana become Howard the Duck. “Main Event of the Dead” could always use more backers.

Heidi Lovelace vs. Matt Cage 3--and a Podcast Pitch

I definitely need some feedback on this idea. Send it to russthebus07@gmail.com, @MainEventZombie, or just post a comment (I'm sure you have some kind of Google account). The idea is starting a wrestling podcast with an even nerdier take on pro-wrestling than the not quite "smart" enough (@RosenbergRadio is holding back @AKATheMaskedMan) "Cheap Heat" podcast. My goal would be to try to eventually get picked up by Nerdist (if you don't want me to bug you Hardwick, give me another chance at "Tag Team Thursday" [for alliteration, may be it should be "Tag Team Tuesday"] or stop seeming so accessible on the podcast), or maybe get in on the Grantland turf.

My nerdy gimmick to podcast is to perform a table read of a non-wrestling scene from my screenplay, going for the Cut Scene feel from the NES "Ninja Gaiden" series, after the first promotional break. I guess I'd be trying to top Colt Cabana's "Song of the Week" and trying to encourage more of his "65-year old Jewish Mother Recites a Classic Wrestling Promo" segments.

If Quentin Tarantino is still making "The Hateful Eight" after having a public table read of the script, my concept of broadcasting my story along side a more insightful view on wrestling might be the method to get "Main Event of the Dead" to a big screen. After saying that, I might need to throw in some N-Words to hedge my bet. 

Talking about wrestling, I was able to work up the nerve to conquer my anxiety to maintain my commitment to checking out "All Hail," All American Wrestling's poorly named show last night in Berwyn, Illinois (Western Chicago Suburbs). It was a pretty solid card with only subtle things to complain about. So if you're not subscribing to the WWE Network to catch up on your NWA/WCW matches and get WWE Shop promo codes during the "Raw PreShow," save the rest of your money and check out AAW instead of going to a bar with overpriced drinks to view a Pay-Per-View centering around a desperate women's feud between a wannabe fitness model and a wannabe wrestler.

I know that Brie and Nikki have been improving as performers (maybe wrestling talent is a sexually transmitted disease), but I won't call the Bella Twin wrestlers after their alleged treatment of Maria Kanellis and looking like vacant socialites during AJ Lee's Pipebomb Shell. If they're serious about wrestling, they'd let the promo put over the need for improvement in their division instead of whining and doing a "We can't hear you dance."

Sometimes, probably most times, I hate points when there are logical segues. They seem to be there to prevent me from going on rants about the spinebuster replacing the DDT as a transition move or how indie guys really despise Jim Ross's opinions.

Perhaps Dragon Gate and Ring of Honor fans have no endurance, so after the first pop, their wad has been blown and they fail to realize that the bigger pop is suppose to be after the finish. In defense of the match between Shane Hollister, Ethan Page, and Johnny Gargano, where the commentators went on their anti- "Ross Report" tangent, I don't know how in a cruiser-weight/X-Division style match you can actually slow it down.

Perhaps this is why I need my own podcast. Conversations aren't linear, so you can get side tracked and not risk distracting the audience from the point. The need for babyface short cuts must be addressed at some point, but it wasn't in the AAW main event.

The segue that I decided to waste was about how Heidi Lovelace and Matt Cage demonstrated how, in Lovelace's words, "You don't need balls to be a champion." My only issue with this inter-gender match (a side from Ray Rice's suspension still being a hot topic [wrong night to where Baltimore Ravens colors]) was that I believe it was supposed to be the blow off the feud. My belief is based on this being the third match between the two in their feud. The way the trilogy ended may suggest that you need testicles for a successful conclusion.

The two had a great match, and Lovelace demonstrated that if we are to believe in Rey Mysterio as a three-time world heavyweight champion, we should believe that Sara del Rey, Cheerleader Melissa, MsChif and Paige (a generation from a Shimmer Championship) can become the World Wrestling Entertainment World Heavyweight Champion. My issue is that I wasn't satisfied with Lovelace winning with a roll up (it didn't seem impactful enough to be a crucifix bomb).

Paige should be the face of the WWE. Imagine the ratings that the female demographics would bring to a promotions that marks are claiming is in dire financial straits. If only I had a good "Money for Nothing" play on words to place here. The best thing about this concept is they ladies will have someone else to cheer for instead of John Cena.

Unless the two combatants are being booked for a fourth match, her championship victory is just a fluke. What reason are we to believe she can repeat this feat again? This could have just been the law of averages proving evident.

This match needed to end with Heidi Lovelace proving she was unquestionably the better combatant. It is like the end of "Star Wars: Return of the Jedi" when Luke Skywalker freaks out and beats the hell out of Darth Vader. Luke was defeated once, is emotionally wrecked, but overcomes to be the last Jedi standing. This was repeated in the end of the prequel trilogy with Anakin vs Dooku, but who cared about little orphan Anni.

In Jean-Claude Van Damme films, the final fight (in my favorite films) are three act plays. He shows off his skills, the antagonist shows that he is craftier to virtually defeat our hero, Van Damme miraculously comes back and leaves no doubt that the villain cannot win.

My best feminine equivalent, that comes to immediate mind, is a low-budget film called "Fight Night (originally titled Rigged)" about a conniving manager and female fighter climbing the ranks of the underground prizefighting circuits. I don't want to spoil it, but it follows the formula I wanted to see used. If you want mainstream/nerdy, see the "Underworld" sequels.

In the match from August 15, Lovelace is beaten to a cinematic level of physical despair. She is always able to show that she is not finished, but it was constant heat. It may be considered realistic that her every comeback is thwarted by separation of the two opponents after her comeback. Cage's beating was so severe that she could never recover quicker than him, regardless of who scored the last move.

To conclude, this match was very realistic. Especially when indie fans start lending War Machine chants to Cage. I praise Cage for maintaining a heel role with the sickest chant I've heard at a show. For someone who never saw this pair face of, the finish to this match must be assumed as real as it could be.

But again, this was the end of a trilogy. A trilogy where a crowd is so into the action that they compare the heel to one of the most despicable men in the public light at this moment. I hated Cage in this match for what he was doing, and I wanted to see him broken. Not whining about the inconceivable, but broken, leaving the ring with a referee under his shoulder to support him.

Perhaps I should be further praising Matt Cage for his performance. Since pro-wrestling is dependent on having a good dance partner, Money could have made the protagonist look like a million bucks, but it was evident that Heidi Lovelace provided the best performance as a baby face who needed to tell a story that night.

It may just be the writer in me who just can't get over the story structure, but again I wasn't there for Cage/Lovelace 1 or 2. I just know this could have been the most dramatic trilogy I could have witnessed a part of if creative would have just followed the movies. Then again, if you watch WWE, that may just be considered the wrong approach since Vince has failed trying that at least 90% of the time.

No Holds Barred 2: Dana White of Future Past

Saturday, December 6, 2014: Hulk Hogan was a Smiling Zeus.

I claimed that “No Holds Barred” was a manifesto of what Vince McMahon wanted to do with pro wrestling, but the audience wasn’t ready for it. This film could have been an inspiration for how Eric Bischoff successfully started the Monday Night War. Turner had purchased the film’s distributor, New Line, only six months prior to Hogan signing with WCW. And Bischoff had just received the promotion to executive producer. This also shows that Hogan is a complete work of fiction. Rip wouldn’t sell out.

“The New Generation” in the WWE wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but the business wasn’t ready for it. With the lengthiness of careers (Viva Funk), it occurred 20 years ahead of schedule. And it’s also evidence that history repeats itself after Vince McMahon’s claims of a lack of ambition being what’s driving his sports entertainment entity to the point where he may want to purchase it off the NYSE. It’s hard to be ambitious when the boss says carrying around a trash can or a bunny tag team partner is “making it.”

It can be argued that all of the controversies about the WWF required a turnover of talent, but Bischoff realized like Brell…(Damn, do I need to watch this film again to nail the quote…has IMDb left any of you readers down in a similar fashion?)…WHAT RATINGS ARE (no I didn’t rewatch NHB). He knew, as indicated by drug user Nelson Cruz’s contract with the Mariners and the continued viewership of American football as their stars who are building resumes to match Bill Cosby, fans do not care about the conditions that do not directly involve the business they’ve always watched. WCW got noticed by using the ratings that were lost to in the name of Ahmed Johnson. When the circumstances were right, they performed the helicopter at the NHB’s charity event scene at Bash at the Beach. Ironically, the Hulk Hogan character let all his little fans down.

As I mentioned earlier, history is currently repeating itself. To make things better, we just need someone with money and comically evil aspirations. Except this time, we don’t have to wait three-years for a Steve Austin to fill the role of Rip Thomas.

Chris Hardwick can be Kurt Fuller and CM Punk is the Cool Protagonist that McMahon wanted Rip to be.

CM Punk is the only name in the wrestling business that draws attention. Nerdist, being backed by Legendary, can surely obtain some network influence. A draw and network, two things that allowed for WWE to be vulnerable. With Nerdist being dependent on knowing what is awesome, they cannot afford to not have a clue of what people want to see. This could be the basis of a promotion that is based around great wrestling, not the vision of one creative mind, like all other wrestling promotions in the states seem to be.

All you would need is a Zeus like bad-ass to dethrone. After he is knocked on his ass, you have great wrestlers take on the champion until one shows they maybe better. Brock Lesnar’s contract runs up after Wrestlemania, and since WWE isn’t going to use an organic star to take his championship away, you can have him be the invincible nemesis with no loss in credentials.

“No Holds Barred” is the “Art of War.” You follow the plot of this film, and you should be able to reign on top of the wrestling business. Chris Hardwick (perhaps Matt Mira would be the better for the role) is the ambition, CM Punk is the hero, Brock Lesnar is the villain, and the Nerdist Network is the setting. Definitely seems more interesting than the New Day being wasted on Golddust and Stardust. Maybe we can have the actual Dust Brothers provide the soundtrack. Can Jim Johnston answer that?

The geek shall inherit the Earth, or at least the pro-wrestling business. Perhaps Will Wheaton is the ideal heel executive. We would have all loved to see Wesley Crusher accidentally electrocute himself.

Tuesday, December 10, 2012: UFC FIRSTIES!!!

So as I concluded the first portion of this blog, the announcement was made that CM Punk will be joining the UFC. I guess Dana White has similar cinematic taste…or Netflix.

With every former WWE contract worker throwing their name into the hat to be the other 0-0-0 MMA opponent for CM Punk debut, Russ Stevens (a.k.a. Russell Claude Stevens, a.k.a. Shooter Staley) may as well join the club…just to see if I can get some coverage on wrestlezone.com.

For the benefit of those here for the satire-based around a Hulk Hogan movie, I’ll place the support for my pitch at the bottom of the entry.

December 13, 2012: Dana White’s “Battle of the Tough Guys.”

CM Punk is a showman. A showman who likes a high-impact environment to be his canvas. It makes perfect sense that Punk would want to go to a place where he doesn’t have to depend on a promoter saying what he can and cannot have. Draws get that luxury, he just didn’t have to obtain a dominant amateur record to become a draw.

I think Dana White has realized that the sport is becoming stagnant. Since Anderson Silva lost the middleweight title and George St. Pierre left the sport, there hasn’t been a reason for me to watch. Everyone is just vanilla (Rhonda Rousey is too sour, for my taste), and since I had probably spent a gallon of gas for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra (only to find out my hotel doesn’t have an employee freezer…karma?), vanilla doesn’t draw new people in.

CM Punk is salt. It isn’t sweet, so why the hell is it going to be combined with a flavor that is? But we’re Americans, and we’ve accepted that salt is awesome (my lisinopril prescription is an indicator of that). All I needed was salted-caramel flavored vodka to know what true awesomeness is.

Maybe I should leave my pitch to fight Punk at that. The sport: the caramel. Punk: the salt. I’m the hooch needed to make the investment work.

There is a ceiling on Punk in the UFC. You can always book him in winnable fights, but I don’t think he has the experience and or the health to be a championship contender. In other words, after a few fights, fans of the sport won’t see the point if he cannot advance. This is how most fighters careers end up in Bellator and then AXS Fights. Only their fans want to see them fight. Eventually they run out of outlets, and then they’re stuck in an existential crisis…kind of Schrodinger’s Cat-like from my experience.

Dana White can change this. If CM Punk can prove he is a legitimate tough guy (which means don’t let me get inside his reach), people will gain a new respect for professional wrestling. So, if White and Punk form a pro-wrestling sister promotion, there will be a place for the middle of the road fighters to make a living.

Maybe I’m just hoping for a throwback to the days of Mid-South wrestling. If you lost a bar fight, you were canned, so only the tough guys got to perform for Bill Watts. Being tough is all that I know I can do well. With the promotions in smaller cities, I’ve just seen too many people get into the wrestling business to play bad ass instead of working to become one. They usually have the pencil, so when I called them out for it, I got lead poisoning.

A UFC-based wrestling promotion would be required to have programs that would always need to make sense. The guys are tough, so they’re automatically cool. It’s what mature wrestling fans are yearning for. All that is needed is a relevant performer to draw attention to it.

This can definitely work. Remember when Bischoff took an idea from Japan to form the New World Order. Why wouldn’t ripping off Inoki Genome Federation (founder of New Japan Pro which had the takeover angle) work, as long as you follow the screenplay from 1989?

The only thing that is suppose to scare Dana White off from this concept is that the man he is competing against failed to expand his brand into other realms. The XFL and WBF tell you to stick to what you know.

Then again, he hired CM Punk. White is in a comfortable place where he can risk something on the unknown. I just hope he knows he has all the elements that allows him to leave Vince McMahon staining a limousine seat, while he still has control of his bowels. Wait too long to have “Battle of the Tough Guys” on FOX, Vince shitting himself will not be as rewarding.

Oh, and while were discussing Dana White gambling on the unknown:

CM Punk vs “Shooter” Scoop Staley:

I finished my bar room boxing and Toughman contest career with an even record 6-6 featuring an open weight tournament championship (I was weighing in at 184). My successes came after being left concussed and my nose being broken by former UFC welterweight Derrick “Nightmare” Noble in the first 15 seconds of my second fight. If that didn’t stop me, I think I’m up for Punk.

This career was ended when the state of Illinois outlawed the sport over a few injuries and deaths (the latter occurring in Florida, where else). What’s the point of Affordable Healthcare if I can’t pick off the newly insured? Thanks Obama.

I had a seven-year long amateur-wrestling career at one of Central Illinois premier wrestling schools of the 1990’s, Morton High School. The last five-years of it, no opponent was able to pin me. Along with being named team captain, my senior year was highlighted with me qualifying for the State sectional tournament and being rewarded the schools award for most dedicated wrestler. During my time as an amateur, I received instruction from camps hosted by four Olympic champions (Dan Gable, Tom Brands, and Ben and John Peterson). This leaves me confident that I can roll around with my opponent and wait for the easy choke or ground and pound.

I can also claim to be the shooter of Danny Daniels’s second class (2006, the top student being AAW Triple Crown Champion and current trainer at Seth Rollins’s “Black and the Brave Wrestling Academy,” Shane Hollister). This may have been a detriment to my advancement with my stiff forearms and impactful round house kicks, but I proved my mat skills by choking out the class’s bully multiple times without tapping to him.

Fellow student and Ultimate Fighter contestant Wayne Weems may contest my claim to being the shooter. Too be clear, I’m not claiming that he was the bully of the class. Not that he would have been anyhow. He seemed to attend weekly practice as much as he attended the Miletich Fightings System. Our high schools were also rivals through out the 1990’s, so I bring shame to my fellow Morton Potters if I don’t risk his fury. Scott County Wrestling, feel free to book this.

As for the actual reasons I didn’t reach the heights of Seth Rollins:

• I’m not a natural athlete (heart can only get you so far, it can’t cover up klutzy)
• Height and build didn’t help (5'5" and stout, even at 160 pounds)
• I’m an introvert suffering from codependency issues (yes, I’m a cat owner…with seven cats tattooed on my body)
• I was incapable of successfully portraying a good heel (but I thought I was a decent Danny Daniels stunt double)

Too much martial arts (5-years of Tae Kwon Do) and Bret Hart. For me, the character (mainly “The Student of the Game,” but I also had a “Star Wars” homage that was over) motivation was to win, not antagonize. You have to want to be hated to be a heel, I didn’t care about being hated, just earning respect.

My nine-year pro-wrestling career maybe the result of my Irish quarter getting the better of my primarily English heritage. True freedom is a punch in a face or a decent buzz. This may imply I know more about the world than Punk.

After my brief return to the wrestling ring in 2011 as El Futbol Loco “The Limey Luchador,” I realized my shortcomings as pro-wrestler. But I still like the showmanship and the high impact, so I considered going into to MMA to get that fix. If there is another performer who is looking for the same fix, it’s only natural for me to want to seek him out and test not only him, but myself.