“@MainEventZombie So well thought out!! (u gave your NHB blog so much more brain power than that film deserved) #Dookie”–The Wrestling Compadres Twitter Account.
Too bad last week’s blog got most of its views before I cleaned it up to send a request out on Monday using #RAW. If they find out at the day job, I may be out of the copywriter gig. Not to say that would be a bad thing. Give me a raise now or at least make it as alcoholic friendly as it is on AMC.
Thinking about having permission to drink at my advertising job makes me wonder how anything got done in the “Mad Men” era. Then I realize that political correctness wasn’t prevalent until the Cold War ended, and you think back to some of that advertising out of Sterling Cooper, alcohol allowed them creative freedom or at least the freedom to not be sensitive to the public.
So yes @WrestlingBuds, I have a tendency to put too much brain power into the irreverent. If that doesn’t qualify me from hosting or being involved with a podcast, what will. If I can only find the clip of the promo where Austin Aries shoves me into a women’s bathroom to solidify my credentials with the Nerdist Wrestling Experts (AAW Final Four 2008).
Guess I’ll have to continue focusing “No Holds Barred” to keep it fresh in their minds, so that I shan’t be forgotten when the “The Wrestling Compadres Slamcast” finally presents their episode dedicated to the first Hulk Hogan billed feature.
What if “No Holds Barred” actually had stars?
This is not a shot at Kurt Fuller, but if you look at his career, he was always a go-to lackey for the main villain. Maybe he should have been cast in the recent DirecTV commercials as the less attractive or painfully awkward Rob Lowe (can’t knock “Wayne’s World”). I have heard Lowe is awful to work with, and now he is taking jobs away on top of that.
Regardless of what Fuller tends to be cast in, 1989 was supposed to be his breakout year since he was also in “Ghostbusters II.” The same goes for Joan Severance with 89 being her her attempts to break in to features including “See No Evil, Hear No Evil.” At least it cannot be claimed that she was miscast in NHB because she was destined to replace Linda Fiorentino in the sequels to “The Last Seduction.”
The only other person in the film that could claim to be a movie star was Jesse Ventura. I will probably return to that talent later on in this blog, but lets return to the lack of star power instead of a guy who could have carried the film.
Well, let me play fantasy casting director for a moment. I should explain why The Body should have filled in for Tiny Lister. Ventura could have at least created a dynamic between the monster and the executive. Thus, Fuller would still be the bad guy he never had the chance to be, but he wouldn’t have had to overuse “jock-ass” since Ventura could use his established star power to keep our interest, physique to intimidate, and a few worthwhile one liners.
Also, Ventura was an established wrestler hence immediately believable. Did McMahon intend to make Lister a wrestler for more than six months? Could the set of NHB be considered the first NXT?
If NHB had some stars for Hulk Hogan to work with, it may have limited some of his cartoonish bits. If Hogan had a familiar face like Clint Howard to shake the shit from, he may have toned down the growling. This is based on the fact that we did not get any scenes like that in “Suburban Commando,” at least not with Christopher Lloyd.
If you want to dispute this, I will head over to my parents and pick up the VHS dub of the Paul Roma/Mark Calaway classic to re-watch it. Especially since I think that six-hour tape has the “Dare to be Stupid” era “Weird” Al Yankovic documentary on it as well. Oh how I miss the ability to get the most out of Blockbuster with a second VCR and extra coax.
You can argue that “Suburban Commando” is a kids film, but I think the implied dismemberment in the first 10 minutes makes the case that it is more of an action flick. If you take into account the next action film Hogan was in, which wasn’t trying to keep the legacy of “Thunder in Paradise” relevant, he was acting with Carl “Action Jackson” Weathers, Shannon Tweed (she was a star), and the under-appreciated, the late great Trevor Goddard (Dolph Lundgren's “Men of War” is my vintage background noise), you can’t say that Hogan had any unbearable action movies. “Assault on Devil’s Island” amused us as we waited for Sting to sign the Starrcade 1997 contract, so it at least served its purpose better than NHB.
To make a watchable wrestler-billed vehicle, it cannot be a kids flick (name a good Austin, Triple H, Cena or Hogan example) and has to have recognizable stars to lead the grappler. Let me emphasize, watchable.“They Live” was the work of an auteur, John Carpenter, hence it’s greatness. Or it was great just for being satire, an art form which Vince McMahon will never suggest his stars to partake in (another reason Punk left?). I’m not a fan of “The Condemned,” but it had Vinnie Jones, so I was not disappointed when I saw it, at least from the performers.
Look at Steve Austin’s action resume and the costars. When in doubt, I can turn to any of his Netflix vehicles with an actor who was featured on “The Voice Versus” or costarred with him in “The Expendables.”
After Austin, the next WWE Films’ star was supposed to be John Cena. I guess “The Marine” has to be considered a success since it spawned three sequels (2014), but the first one would have been nothing without Robert Patrick hamming it up. Patrick’s performance was good enough or it at least displayed his ability to put up with the surrounding bullshit. And it didn’t force John Cena to stretch his range as a performer.
I guess Robert Patrick, like Vinnie Jones, gave Cena a great start as a movie star. You cannot the say the same about “12 Rounds.” It may pain me to say this, but Aiden “Little Finger” Gillen was not established (“Shanghai Knights” was better the first time when it was “Rush Hour”). On top of that it was a Renny Harlin movie with no Samuel Jackson for a shark to eat or John McClane-esque dialogue. Hence, “12 Rounds” was nothing more than John Cena’s “No Holds Barred.”
Cena sucks because his variant on Hulk Hogan’s first top-billing couldn’t draw us in. We at least knew going into NHB that we were watching Hulk Hogan “The Character’s” movie. Even though it ended up being amusingly bad, it is still amusing. “12 Rounds” was just John Cena reading dialogue without the ability to break the fourth wall and show some kind of response to “Cena Sucks.” How the hell can we say “we watch the same thing on Mondays, so it can’t be that bad?”
So over thinking “No Holds Barred” has further exemplified how bad pro-wrestling may be right now. The next 17-time World Champion cannot wrestle as well as Flair or out act the Hulkster (again 2014). Perhaps Jonny Loquasto is not angry at the movie, he’s angry that it felt like Vince McMahon had just pried his eye lids open and turn on the Beethoven. Next think you know, we will all be feeling noxious when we here Ric Flair music play because of the subconscious associated to the films of Stanley Kubrick.
Fortunately for Vince McMahon, his target demographic is unfamiliar with Droogs or HAL 9000.
Check out “Main Event of the Dead.” My blog dedicated to the efforts to begin production on my screenplay about pro wrestlers versus zombies with tacky gimmicks comedy. If it you don’t think it’ll work as a B-Movie, maybe it can be a podcast.
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