No Holds Barred: Mr. America vs Roman The Shockmaster

The original title of this blog was suppose to be “Why Mr. America Should Have Starred in No Holds Barred.” It wasn’t my wittiest blog title, but it allowed me to jump right into the subject matter instead of transitioning from a rant about how the readers need to demand local promotions (from Minneapolis/St. Paul to Paducah, from St. Louis (Illinois Side to Cleveland) to start booking me because that’s the only thing which will motivate me to hit the gym and get into better shape.

I’ve never liked salad, and I’m not going to start. There have to be better vegetable options that aren’t starchy. If it can be freeze-dried, it isn’t that good for you. Perhaps I am too self conscious. No one should judge me for throwing a tray of Annie Chun Seafood Snacks over half my plate to balance it. After 12-years around the wrestling business, I’ve observed initials are never bad, thus MSG has to be good.

Sorry for the minimal rant, but it could have been a lot worse, like three story-line terminations bad. Eric Rowan isn’t established enough to be taken off TV and now Ryback’s push won’t end with him doing the favor for Alexander Rusev.

With an inability to know who to protect and who to direct towards Japan to understand true strong-style, it’s no wonder that they cannot build there next superstar. Maybe it’s because they’re out to create the next super hero for the kids. Why else would they keep Roman Reigns in a SWAT team outfit instead of wrestling gear? If John Cena cannot be sold to the yuppie guppies in tights, why make their other guys wear them? And why must WWE make it apparent that Dean Ambrose has peaked? Did Vince McMahon want to tease the IWC by not letting him return to Lycra?

If Daniel Bryan wasn’t childlike compared to the present and future franchises, would the under TV-14 have gotten behind the “Yes” movement? Of course, I maybe discounting the beard.

So why am I suggesting that Hulk Hogan have dawned the pseudo-Steve Rogers cowl if the last thing we need is a Super Hero? Because full-blown heroes are over. And could you have imagined the pop the Hulkster could have gotten with that gimmick if he had already established it?

And “No Holds Barred” could have gotten the PG if you had a masked crusader who wasn’t as brooding as Michael Keaton was in 1989. You might still need to cut the attempted rape scene, or not, because limiting them to attempted rapes are what super heroes do. And I’d suggest cutting the visual of dookie from the limo driver. Then again, CM Punk craps himself on Smackdown, and the show still got the TV-PG.

You can argue that Marvel would have brought up a lawsuit then, but I thing they would have appreciated “No Holds Barred” taking the attention away from their wretched, soon to be released, “Captain America” film. Hell, they would have probably wrote him in as a heavy for Red Skull for the first Chris Evans flick..

“Captain America 90:” a film which I need to watch because the disdain cannot be as great as legend claims. “Cyborg” wasn’t as bad as everyone claimed and every wrestling fan (with Netflix streaming) should see “Heatseeker” from the same director, Albert Pyun. I call dibs on penning the remake of that classic, provided the success of my pro-wrestling zom-com, “Main Event of the Dead” (e-mail russthebus07@gmail.com for ideas on how to promote the project or for screenplay treatments [so you’ll know what you’ll be promoting]).

A problem with “No Holds Barred” is that Hulk Hogan is playing Hulk Hogan. There is no disconnect between him and his character. If anything, the Uber-Brother has been neutered. Which may explain why Joan Severance couldn’t seduce him in the script. If Hogan had played a super hero, it would allow his in ring character to have range that Rip did not. I’m not up for an argument about Hogan’s range as a performer, so “Main Event of the Dead” inquiries only when it comes to the above e-mail.

What can be argued is that the two biggest wrestling draws not named Steve Austin (or The Rock, but I consider him more of an entertainment [not sports] entity), Cena and Hogan, are super heroes. Cena is disadvantaged because of memegene.net, but the Carlito angle and not becoming evil in his recent “Night of Champions” bout doesn’t help his claims of mortality. Regardless, if these heroes are on top, why haven’t the WWE tried one that would have a lot more merch to sell.

The worst thing that happened to The Hurricane was that he beat The Rock on his first try. That may have just been poor timing. If Rey Mysterio was 6 feet tall (and healthy…and white), who would he need to put over? If only the Kane character wasn’t a demon.

Two of the three best known Japanese wrestler who came after Antonio Inoki and Giant Baba made it there with hoods, Jushin Liger and Tiger Mask. The third was The Great Muta, but paint is almost the same as a mask (at least on “WCW vs. nWo World Tour”). I suppose I can wiki Liger to find out the history behind the gimmick, but I don’t have to do that with Tiger Mask. TM was a super hero cartoon.

I’m certain two of the three worked on top in Japan (no question about Muta) because of the masked hero gimmick. They are totally unrelatable as people, but most heroes are. New York City didn’t care about who was under Spidey’s mask (they should since he didn’t do the favor for Bonesaw…three minutes then go home). This may be why there were haters for “Man of Steel.” Zack Snyder’s “Watchmen” dealt with characters after their fall from grace, so no hatred should be directed to that film (especially when “Dawn of the Dead” and “Sucker Punch” are far more deserving of such).

A super hero may not have the length on top as a super star (thanks Ultimate Warrior, I wonder how much “The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior” is going for on eBay…$20 used). But, like Tiger Mask and his rival Black Tiger, the gimmicks will outlive the perceived usefulness of WWE midcarders.

If Mr. America was passed on to Jack Swagger, we could at least could justify why he is employed. Imagine the controversy if it got passed on to R-Truth.

I guess if the WWE is afraid to try new things on TV, why not use their films (NXT seems to be fine)? At least that way, if the Network doesn’t pick up, they can at least have a character library to sell to Disney. They could use wrestling at MGM Studios again.

I know everyone who reads this now wants to see Drax versus Fett versus Ambrose with Jack Sparrow as the referee. This bout also features the ideal role for Roman Reigns. Just don’t trip and lose your helmet. Ole Anderson can provide the voice.

We’ll try to get Johnny Depp to reprise his iconic Keith Richards’s impersonation, but if that doesn’t work, keep Adam Rose under contract.

REDDIT

Is Roman Reigns the New (and Adjace) Zeus?

This one may get out a week later than I like. Credit was increased on a card I’m still using, so that necessitates me to spend to build credit. It wasn’t eBay that took up my free time at work. It was my attempt to come up with a tattoo idea of a self-destructive take on the Japanese lucky cat figurine. For those counting at home, that is cat tat number eight (5 tats, 8 cats…and that’s what happens when you don’t let your kids have pets Dad).

I’d rather go “Hollywood Shuffle” with the money I technically don’t have, but I’ve yet to come up with or receive any ideas on how to further promote “Main Event of the Dead,” my screenplay for a pro-wrestling based zombie-comedy. If you want to help out in getting my project to the point where I feel it’ll get resources from Kickstarter or IndieGoGo, send me an e-mail at russthebus07@gmail.com.

What I have come up with is perhaps the final chapter in my “The Social Impact of No Holds Barred” homage. It kind of sucks because I think a Tumblr (check out the NHB archives Tumblr “Rip ‘Em System”) should seem infinite. And if I don’t get this written by Monday 8 pm Eastern, it may be irrelevant. That would mean WWE creative is finally doing a good job, so I may not need to be so hard on myself.

I sent out a tweet last week to the lesser of the host (in terms of wrestling fandom) of the “Cheap Heat” podcast, Peter Rosenberg [@Rosenbergradio]). This was the first time I ever used the term “adjace” (the “hip?” way of saying similar but inferior, derived from adjacent).

Is pushing Roman Reigns after The Shield folded like pushing Jim Neidhart when the Hart Foundation disbanded? @Rosenbergradio #adjace

Too bad the Anvil’s Twitter account isn’t verified. He’d have liked the love he got from the response.

@BDKiiing: reigns is not good. He has the look, that is all. Hack wrestler. Charisma vacuum. Needs a mouth piece

@BDKiiing: no. Anvil was a better wrestler and more charismatic. 

@Rosenbergradio: No def not

Sorry if that is underwhelming Mr. Neidhart, just enough for me to be angry that I made it a drunken bedtime tweet. Stupid e-mail notifications. I suppose I should have said that it would have been like pushing Marty Jannety instead of Shawn from the disbanding of The Rockers to be #adjace.

There would have been a good chance I wouldn’t get any sleep from the phone constantly going off. Not placing @realjannety in the tweet seems like a good move. It “real” is the next best thing to being “verified.”

Is #real #adjace to being #verified. I know my lack of knowledge cost me a chance to be on @midnight “Tag Team Thursday,” but with all the abbreviations and phone-related symbols, ignorance may be bliss for this former English major.

This is all a complement to Michaels since I’d watch old Rockers’ matches to build an argument to prove Marty was the talent. I despised the heel so much, I wanted to believe he stunk by denying the obvious.

I doubt anyone tries to be delusional about Reigns’s stardom. Then again, I’m sure no one wanted to take the time to ponder why The Anvil never got a solo push.

Did Jim Neidhart have more charisma than Roman Reign? Yes, perhaps even more than Bret Hart. Of course I’d argue Bret had and created a more charismatic look. So look may count for charisma, hence the argument is void.

As for wrestling, I’ll have to go to Wikipedia to come up with The Anvil’s signature moves. A side from a match with Vader on the infamous taped Raw that was broadcasted against the live Nitro which featured Rick Rude’s WCW return, I can’t recall any single matches of his that weren’t jobs for WCW. Thus, I never saw his Cobra and Camel Clutches. It’s tough to say that he was nothing more than The Hitman’s prop.

WWE was wise not giving Reigns and Seth Rollins a double team finish while they reigned as tag team champions. It forced a showcase of offense by both performers. We remember and complain about the spear and Superman punch like we complained and remembered the boot and leg drop and the spear and jackhammer.

Is Roman Reigns Bill Goldberg #adjace. No, because the push was based around Goldberg’s silence. There’s no doubt that Reigns is over produced if they failed to realize how to play to his strengths…or listen to CM Punk (Chris Hero, at the very least, fit the bigger than Ambrose and Rollins attribute) instead of trying to invent his attributes.

Let’s all agree that Reigns lacks what it takes to be at the top of the marquee. He’s deficient in mic work and in ring skills (at least when there is money to be drawn with Daniel Bryan’s move set and story telling) but neither was Rocky Maivia. Of course they didn’t bring him to the headliner spot until the fans quit hijacking his shit. But, they didn’t need to be desperate to create a star (which should be the case with Daniel Bryan in year two on top [he’s got an Austin Era worth of stuff]).

If they don’t push Reigns to the top, it proves that they don’t have a method of creating stars. Sami Zayn, Adrienne Neville, Kevin Steen (until they shut down his Pro Wrestling Tees store), Finn Balor, and Hideo Itami are who we watch NXT for, not a college football player among them.

The last time I can recall a debacle like this was when then tried to make 100-millions dollars with a guy who didn’t work the indies. That guy was Zeus. No mic skills. Lacking ring skills. BELIEVE THAT.

This maybe the reason why Hulk Hogan is behind Daniel Bryan. He’s seen this movie before. You have to cheer for yourself (like I am for making my deadline).

Zeus is why Kurt Fuller was stuck in supporting antagonist role purgatory. Perhaps Vigo the Carpathian contributed a little to Fuller’s fate, but he Kurt wasn’t cutting promos in “Ghostbusters 2.” With that said, “Raw” cannot be guest hosted by the cast of “Ghostbusters 3.”

Does WWE want to see their future dragged to mediocrity for a single character? Even my blogs lack hits when I lay the Tiny Lister tribute on thick.

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