12/1/14: Where's the WWE Union and Where's "No Holds Barred 2: Return of the Lazy Eye?"

Where’s the WWE Union and Where’s “No Holds Barred 2: Return of the Lazy Eye?”

Why is it when you feel like Tim Roth shouting at a guy who just lost an ear, variables always seem to get thrown at you that prevents relief, even on your day off? I am assuming bronchitis, so my high alcohol tolerance preventing me from trying to get a hang over to spew the ills away is Mr. Blonde bullshit. “Escape from New York” being too good to be background noise, thus demanding my total attention preventing me from writing this blog, is Mr. Pink saying I won’t get the medical care I need (we’ll call that sleep). Hopefully, my go to audio ambiance, the Tiny Lister classic “Men of War,” will at least shut Chris Penn up, and finishing this blog for eternal (I wish) slumber will be Mr. White’s bullet.

For more metaphors related to “Reservoir Dogs,” ask about seeing the treatment for “Main Event of the Dead,” my pro-wrestling zomcom screenplay by e-mailing russthebus07@gmail.com.

This would be a great place to transition to talking about the subject matter of this eventual edition to the “Rip ‘Em System” Tublr, but I do want to address “The Art of Wrestling with CM Punk and Colt Cabana,” that I’m still trying to download. The WWE “workers” need to get their shit together and form a union. I’m fairly certain the quotes I’ve read about the WWE’s denial or ignorance of the actual state of their talents’ health are true. To clarify, this ignorance is probably directed to the workers with voices that the company does not want to be heard.

Dolph Ziggler and The Miz get all of the time off to recover from a concussion since they ride with the physician. These guys are also products of WWE, not the indie scene, so they’ve been developed by the McMahons to be the sports entertainers they want to showcase despite they can’t pull up Punks kick pad (maybe lace up is the correct term, I got mine through Highspots or Century instead of eLucha.

I’m not saying that Ziggler and Miz aren’t talented. Ziggler’s athleticism is outstanding which is his downfall because it seems to be the emphasis of his offense. It just seems sloppy because he wants to execute every one of his signature moves too fast. This may just be a personal preference since I seem to be the minority. Most of my fellow veterans of the squared circle (a Barry Horowitz moment) opinions coincide with the majority. The Miz is awe…inspiring on the mic which is why I loved his tag team with John Morrison. Mike could sell the true talent, like he’s doing with Mizdow.

Still, these two performers work so hard to be social network relevant, you’d expect they’d be capable of doing the socially responsible thing and support a union to assure the safety and proper compensation that all of their fellow “Superstars” deserve. The workers have no other options when it comes to making a celebrity-style living. Unless CM Punk fights A.J. Styles for the command of the Bullet Club, there is no competing promotion to work for that give the performers leverage.

Vince McMahon may not go for dealing with a union, but if all the talent joins, he’ll have to rely on his subpar writing to get over subpar wrestlers. I think the 18 to 35 is still his target demographic, so he’d better be ready to return to Saturday mornings curtain jerking for figure skating and gymnastics, hoping for a bump from “The Mighty Morphing Power Rangers.” In the end, Jerry Lawler would become the head of talent relations as every non-union athlete prepares for his General Mills cereal box gimmick.

Or should I have said Post because of their established relationship with Fruity Pebbles?

http://barbershopwindow.com

Perhaps my proposal of a union wouldn’t have been needed if Hollywood would have capitalized on the home video market during the boom in wrestling. Why wasn’t there a “Planet of the Samoans” franchise developed between Wrestlemania and Wrestlemania XVII? Could you imagine the reboot when you cast The Rock as Cesar?

Give me some props for the round about way of getting to what I really wanted to write about this week.

What did we get with the mixed martial arts boom? Tap Out putting their name of direct to DVD films. It may have slowed down recently, but since at least 2008 (when I was living with a girl, trying to find cheap flicks to watch instead of giving into budgeting her need for cable TV) I found on my weekly visit to the Walmart electronic shelves, a long side the knock off of the soon-to-be-released theatrical horror flick with a gimmick, was a flick about no-holds-barred fighting with an MMA star second billed behind the guy who probably produced the vast majority of them.

Have I watched many of them? No. Why would I? These are movies focusing on guys who seem to have no prerequisite in the minimal requirements in acting or telling a story. And then you add in the MMA fighters with the same qualities when it comes to the big screen (is 40" a big enough screen, or should I have opted for a bigger TV from my folks instead of the PS4?). I should be more careful with my words, Vinnie Jones tends to star in these films. Can we just make him a citizen so he doesn’t have to work on these projects to stay in the States?

Isn’t pro-wrestling better suited as subject matter for a direct to video release? It’s a crooked business, probably more so than the UFC, so stories are easy to write. I’d just like to see one undercover cop in the ring, or maybe I just want to see the further relevance of Jacques Rougeau. El Santo had a rather epic film career in Mexico, a market that WWE hasn’t seemed to make any headway with (way to go Hunter).

Growing up with parents who didn’t let me watch “Gremlins” until I was twelve (but listen to the vinyl records that came with kids meals from Hardee’s, and they wonder why I was afraid of the dark until I realized the joy of sleeping past noon [that may have been different if “Muppet Babies” was still on]), there wasn’t much for me at the video store after I out grew “The Masters of the Universe.” All there was that didn’t make it to the Morton Cinema, the Varsity Theatre, the Beverly Theater, or the Fox Theater (P-Town represent) were horror movies.

My parents also let me watch pro-wrestling because they knew it was fiction. All I knew of the boxing realm was “Rocky III.” It would have been nice to have had stories starring Randy Savage, Jake Roberts, and Junkyard Dog. I think my dad’s favorite music was Curtis Mayfield, so we could have bonded over the cinema you’d expect a JYD flick to be.

It’s not like these movies wouldn’t be appreciated by Cannon and Newline Cinemas, houses built by Chuck Norris and Freddy Krueger respectively.

Could you imagine Chuck Norris versus Hulk Hogan? The only time in the 80’s where we could have seen the Hulkster doing the favor (or else). If we had two or three of these films a year (from 1985-1988), NHB may have been cinema gold that could have prevented the rise (crawl may be the better suited term) of 90’s comic book movies. Lori Petty may not have been one of the dream lays of my adolescence (behind Kelly MacDonald and Chun-Li ["Street Fighte 2: The World Warrior"]), but from the lessons learned, “Ready to Rumble” may have been a masterpiece. If Warner Bros. thought it could top “No Holds Barred 3: Brell Lives,” of course.

Hind sight is a Bella Twin (better to use that B-word than the other five-lettered one). Or it’s just evidence of how out-of-touch Vince McMahon is. Here is a qualifying question Cabana should have asked (if he didn’t…listening to audio from YouTube at work tomorrow seems awkward): What was the last film McMahon saw. It couldn’t have been either of the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” films if you locate the most recent (11/30/14) Paul Burchill interview.

Knowing that if you dawned the spandex (the most comfortable fabric in the world…Lycra specifically), you would have multiple income sources if you worked hard enough, the selfish attitudes that will likely never see the WWEPA (I’d hope the boys will call themselves performers instead of Superstars) would be fine. It was the 80’s, if there was ever a time to for pro-wrestling movies leading to decadence, it was then.

There’s the future for CM Punk. I’m sure there will be characters from Marvel that won’t be featured in Phase IV. Time to get to producing. Surely, Seth Green would step aside to let Colt Cabana become Howard the Duck. “Main Event of the Dead” could always use more backers.

Clint Howard for Raw GM and How the WWE is “No Holds Barred”

No Holds Barred 2: Dana White of Future Past

Saturday, December 6, 2014: Hulk Hogan was a Smiling Zeus.

I claimed that “No Holds Barred” was a manifesto of what Vince McMahon wanted to do with pro wrestling, but the audience wasn’t ready for it. This film could have been an inspiration for how Eric Bischoff successfully started the Monday Night War. Turner had purchased the film’s distributor, New Line, only six months prior to Hogan signing with WCW. And Bischoff had just received the promotion to executive producer. This also shows that Hogan is a complete work of fiction. Rip wouldn’t sell out.

“The New Generation” in the WWE wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but the business wasn’t ready for it. With the lengthiness of careers (Viva Funk), it occurred 20 years ahead of schedule. And it’s also evidence that history repeats itself after Vince McMahon’s claims of a lack of ambition being what’s driving his sports entertainment entity to the point where he may want to purchase it off the NYSE. It’s hard to be ambitious when the boss says carrying around a trash can or a bunny tag team partner is “making it.”

It can be argued that all of the controversies about the WWF required a turnover of talent, but Bischoff realized like Brell…(Damn, do I need to watch this film again to nail the quote…has IMDb left any of you readers down in a similar fashion?)…WHAT RATINGS ARE (no I didn’t rewatch NHB). He knew, as indicated by drug user Nelson Cruz’s contract with the Mariners and the continued viewership of American football as their stars who are building resumes to match Bill Cosby, fans do not care about the conditions that do not directly involve the business they’ve always watched. WCW got noticed by using the ratings that were lost to in the name of Ahmed Johnson. When the circumstances were right, they performed the helicopter at the NHB’s charity event scene at Bash at the Beach. Ironically, the Hulk Hogan character let all his little fans down.

As I mentioned earlier, history is currently repeating itself. To make things better, we just need someone with money and comically evil aspirations. Except this time, we don’t have to wait three-years for a Steve Austin to fill the role of Rip Thomas.

Chris Hardwick can be Kurt Fuller and CM Punk is the Cool Protagonist that McMahon wanted Rip to be.

CM Punk is the only name in the wrestling business that draws attention. Nerdist, being backed by Legendary, can surely obtain some network influence. A draw and network, two things that allowed for WWE to be vulnerable. With Nerdist being dependent on knowing what is awesome, they cannot afford to not have a clue of what people want to see. This could be the basis of a promotion that is based around great wrestling, not the vision of one creative mind, like all other wrestling promotions in the states seem to be.

All you would need is a Zeus like bad-ass to dethrone. After he is knocked on his ass, you have great wrestlers take on the champion until one shows they maybe better. Brock Lesnar’s contract runs up after Wrestlemania, and since WWE isn’t going to use an organic star to take his championship away, you can have him be the invincible nemesis with no loss in credentials.

“No Holds Barred” is the “Art of War.” You follow the plot of this film, and you should be able to reign on top of the wrestling business. Chris Hardwick (perhaps Matt Mira would be the better for the role) is the ambition, CM Punk is the hero, Brock Lesnar is the villain, and the Nerdist Network is the setting. Definitely seems more interesting than the New Day being wasted on Golddust and Stardust. Maybe we can have the actual Dust Brothers provide the soundtrack. Can Jim Johnston answer that?

The geek shall inherit the Earth, or at least the pro-wrestling business. Perhaps Will Wheaton is the ideal heel executive. We would have all loved to see Wesley Crusher accidentally electrocute himself.

Tuesday, December 10, 2012: UFC FIRSTIES!!!

So as I concluded the first portion of this blog, the announcement was made that CM Punk will be joining the UFC. I guess Dana White has similar cinematic taste…or Netflix.

With every former WWE contract worker throwing their name into the hat to be the other 0-0-0 MMA opponent for CM Punk debut, Russ Stevens (a.k.a. Russell Claude Stevens, a.k.a. Shooter Staley) may as well join the club…just to see if I can get some coverage on wrestlezone.com.

For the benefit of those here for the satire-based around a Hulk Hogan movie, I’ll place the support for my pitch at the bottom of the entry.

December 13, 2012: Dana White’s “Battle of the Tough Guys.”

CM Punk is a showman. A showman who likes a high-impact environment to be his canvas. It makes perfect sense that Punk would want to go to a place where he doesn’t have to depend on a promoter saying what he can and cannot have. Draws get that luxury, he just didn’t have to obtain a dominant amateur record to become a draw.

I think Dana White has realized that the sport is becoming stagnant. Since Anderson Silva lost the middleweight title and George St. Pierre left the sport, there hasn’t been a reason for me to watch. Everyone is just vanilla (Rhonda Rousey is too sour, for my taste), and since I had probably spent a gallon of gas for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Karamel Sutra (only to find out my hotel doesn’t have an employee freezer…karma?), vanilla doesn’t draw new people in.

CM Punk is salt. It isn’t sweet, so why the hell is it going to be combined with a flavor that is? But we’re Americans, and we’ve accepted that salt is awesome (my lisinopril prescription is an indicator of that). All I needed was salted-caramel flavored vodka to know what true awesomeness is.

Maybe I should leave my pitch to fight Punk at that. The sport: the caramel. Punk: the salt. I’m the hooch needed to make the investment work.

There is a ceiling on Punk in the UFC. You can always book him in winnable fights, but I don’t think he has the experience and or the health to be a championship contender. In other words, after a few fights, fans of the sport won’t see the point if he cannot advance. This is how most fighters careers end up in Bellator and then AXS Fights. Only their fans want to see them fight. Eventually they run out of outlets, and then they’re stuck in an existential crisis…kind of Schrodinger’s Cat-like from my experience.

Dana White can change this. If CM Punk can prove he is a legitimate tough guy (which means don’t let me get inside his reach), people will gain a new respect for professional wrestling. So, if White and Punk form a pro-wrestling sister promotion, there will be a place for the middle of the road fighters to make a living.

Maybe I’m just hoping for a throwback to the days of Mid-South wrestling. If you lost a bar fight, you were canned, so only the tough guys got to perform for Bill Watts. Being tough is all that I know I can do well. With the promotions in smaller cities, I’ve just seen too many people get into the wrestling business to play bad ass instead of working to become one. They usually have the pencil, so when I called them out for it, I got lead poisoning.

A UFC-based wrestling promotion would be required to have programs that would always need to make sense. The guys are tough, so they’re automatically cool. It’s what mature wrestling fans are yearning for. All that is needed is a relevant performer to draw attention to it.

This can definitely work. Remember when Bischoff took an idea from Japan to form the New World Order. Why wouldn’t ripping off Inoki Genome Federation (founder of New Japan Pro which had the takeover angle) work, as long as you follow the screenplay from 1989?

The only thing that is suppose to scare Dana White off from this concept is that the man he is competing against failed to expand his brand into other realms. The XFL and WBF tell you to stick to what you know.

Then again, he hired CM Punk. White is in a comfortable place where he can risk something on the unknown. I just hope he knows he has all the elements that allows him to leave Vince McMahon staining a limousine seat, while he still has control of his bowels. Wait too long to have “Battle of the Tough Guys” on FOX, Vince shitting himself will not be as rewarding.

Oh, and while were discussing Dana White gambling on the unknown:

Pinterest - Vito Radosta

CM Punk vs “Shooter” Scoop Staley:

I finished my bar room boxing and Toughman contest career with an even record 6-6 featuring an open weight tournament championship (I was weighing in at 184). My successes came after being left concussed and my nose being broken by former UFC welterweight Derrick “Nightmare” Noble in the first 15 seconds of my second fight. If that didn’t stop me, I think I’m up for Punk.

This career was ended when the state of Illinois outlawed the sport over a few injuries and deaths (the latter occurring in Florida, where else). What’s the point of Affordable Healthcare if I can’t pick off the newly insured? Thanks Obama.

I had a seven-year long amateur-wrestling career at one of Central Illinois premier wrestling schools of the 1990’s, Morton High School. The last five-years of it, no opponent was able to pin me. Along with being named team captain, my senior year was highlighted with me qualifying for the State sectional tournament and being rewarded the schools award for most dedicated wrestler. During my time as an amateur, I received instruction from camps hosted by four Olympic champions (Dan Gable, Tom Brands, and Ben and John Peterson). This leaves me confident that I can roll around with my opponent and wait for the easy choke or ground and pound.

I can also claim to be the shooter of Danny Daniels’s second class (2006, the top student being AAW Triple Crown Champion and current trainer at Seth Rollins’s “Black and the Brave Wrestling Academy,” Shane Hollister). This may have been a detriment to my advancement with my stiff forearms and impactful round house kicks, but I proved my mat skills by choking out the class’s bully multiple times without tapping to him.

Fellow student and Ultimate Fighter contestant Wayne Weems may contest my claim to being the shooter. Too be clear, I’m not claiming that he was the bully of the class. Not that he would have been anyhow. He seemed to attend weekly practice as much as he attended the Miletich Fightings System. Our high schools were also rivals through out the 1990’s, so I bring shame to my fellow Morton Potters if I don’t risk his fury. Scott County Wrestling, feel free to book this.

As for the actual reasons I didn’t reach the heights of Seth Rollins:

• I’m not a natural athlete (heart can only get you so far, it can’t cover up klutzy)
• Height and build didn’t help (5'5" and stout, even at 160 pounds)
• I’m an introvert suffering from codependency issues (yes, I’m a cat owner…with seven cats tattooed on my body)
• I was incapable of successfully portraying a good heel (but I thought I was a decent Danny Daniels stunt double)

Too much martial arts (5-years of Tae Kwon Do) and Bret Hart. For me, the character (mainly “The Student of the Game,” but I also had a “Star Wars” homage that was over) motivation was to win, not antagonize. You have to want to be hated to be a heel, I didn’t care about being hated, just earning respect.

My nine-year pro-wrestling career maybe the result of my Irish quarter getting the better of my primarily English heritage. True freedom is a punch in a face or a decent buzz. This may imply I know more about the world than Punk.

After my brief return to the wrestling ring in 2011 as El Futbol Loco “The Limey Luchador,” I realized my shortcomings as pro-wrestler. But I still like the showmanship and the high impact, so I considered going into to MMA to get that fix. If there is another performer who is looking for the same fix, it’s only natural for me to want to seek him out and test not only him, but myself.

Is Roman Reigns the New (and Adjace) Zeus?

Clint Howard for Raw GM and How the WWE is “No Holds Barred”

Can there ever be too much irony? I’m leaning towards yes as the answer. Alanis Morissette made sure she didn’t feature much of it in her hit single and M. Night Shyamalan hasn’t been able to sell us on any of his twists since “The Village.” Perhaps he exchanged his sixth sense for the topic when he cast Bryce Dallas Howard in his films. Their first collaboration was a lot like “10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife,” and Howard coincidentally looks like her Dad.

The latter part of that assessment may seem a bit harsh. I should have used reminds me of Richie Cunningham. You can blame the movie poster of “Lady in the Water” for the association. You are going to need to visit the IMDB page because I don’t want the poster to be the random image that gets posted on Facebook when I send out my advertising tweets (from @MainEventZombie) for this blog. When you look at it and see the Howard name, tell me you don’t see Opie Taylor? Then you see Paul Giammati’s billing, you can’t help but add his hairline to her ginger face. The answer to the equation is Ron Howard.

Revisiting this thought process to justify waiting for the “Happening” to reacquaint myself with M. Night’s work (I’m kidding, I haven’t gotten caught up) has made me forever grateful that I have yet to see any of the ginger girls that I’ve screwed around with in a ball cap. Girls must know that. You do not see any celebs of the female gender, pale complexion and hair that nature gave up on bleaching 10 minutes into the process sporting the look. Well, I imagine Lindsay Lohan has, and she probably showed that Ron Howard isn’t the worst case scenario.

In the end (I need to get back to the ironic theme), at least I’m not reminded of Clint Howard when I think about actresses with traditional a traditional “Annie”-base. Then again, wouldn’t Clint be more suited to play the role of a lead scientist in a played out dinosaur movie franchise? His age may make him more authoritative. WWE needs a likable authority figure. And I needed a title that draws greater interest than “John Cena has one too many syllables to be Rip.”

John Cena is evidence that there may too much irony in wrestling today. I actually think it was Mick Foley who said on the “Cheap Heat” podcast (it better be that or I’ll lose the love of the “Wrestling Compadres”, either way, it was said on a podcast this week), that fans love paradoxes. Try to sell me the differences between John Cena and Rip Thomas:

• They are both “more concerned” about their charity work.
• They both have a family member to serve as a martyr (Cena’s dad, and Rip’s brother Randy).
• The only time you can truly cheer for either one of them is when they are facing someone who cannot speak the common tongue, so we hate the mouthpiece more than the muscle (Rip had Brell/Zeus; John Cena had(has) Estrada/Umaga, Davari/Khali).

I’d like to say WWE is taking my advise to follow what is written in “No Holds Barred” for their own product, but they may had just beat me to it, making Cena’s Wrestlemania’s opponent (Alexander, I’m sure papa Dusty appreciates the first names he bestows) Rusev, a man who needs Lana to do his talking. My fear with the plan is that we simply won’t hate Lana.

How can you hate the hottest woman in the promotion with a perfect Russian accent? If Rusev had the charisma of “Men of War” star, Dolph Lundgren, would we want to see them dethroned? Eat your heart out of Brigitte Nielsen.

Talking about guys we don’t want to see dethroned, does anyone want to see Cena go over the best manager of the last 20 years and the most awesome force not named Alistair Overeem?

My last blog was about the concept that CM Punk could bring any network to the top of the wrestling business. And the views were down. It’s because I failed to realize that the issue is not a lack of competition (at least for the sake of this blog’s NHB theme). It’s because the WWE has ironically become “No Holds Barred.”

Vince McMahon knows that. Why did his projected next superstar have a one-syllable last name? It’s because McMahon will remove his first name. “Reigns Sucks” doesn’t have the same rhythm as “Cena Sucks” (or X-Pac Sucks). People eventually started chanting Hogan sucks, but that was cued up. Kids called him Hulk, which is cooler than John.

It makes one think. Was “The Next Generation” better than “No Holds Barred?” The sad thing is that most people favor the latter. NHB at least got a DVD and Blu-ray release. We’re still waiting for “The Next Generation Era: Volume 1.”

I forgot that “No Holds Barred” ended with Rip being the only game in town. John Cena is Rip Thomas, so Vince McMahon  has succeeded in bringing his “Mein Kampf” to fruition. McMahon killed his competition. He no longer has a struggle. Or at least he doesn’t want a new one.

The new one should be a sequel to “No Holds Barred.” Let’s theme it around net neutrality. I don’t know his take on it, but with his motivation, Vince McMahon maybe able to determine the future of the issue.

I maybe up for writing it, but I need my resume built, and that should start with my pro-wrestling zom-com “Main Event of the Dead.” Please send your suggestions on how to further promote it to russthebus07@gmail.com (treatments of the screenplay are available upon request), so we can get to “How to Save the Network in 90 Pages” even sooner.

No Holds Barred: Mr. America vs Roman The Shockmaster

Cesaro Needs a "No Holds Barred" Sequel/AAW One Twisted Christmas

It’s tough to be humorous at the end of the year. I suppose we’ve burned through all the humor by the twelve-month point. Hence, at a milestone like that, we find it best to just put out our year in review. Thus, the initial thought for this blog was to write “10 Things from 2014 that were worse than ‘No Holds Barred,’” but it wouldn’t be a compare and contrast. It would just be me bitching about:

• The idiocy of having a feud between two people with the exact same of DNA (I bet one has highlighted hair so the E! News talking heads could tell them apart).
• The “Ryback Isn’t that Dangerous” PR tour (and Chris Jericho’s hypocrisy).
• How come an injured champion was stripped of their title for failing to defend it in two months while a healthy one doesn’t have to defend theirs for four (I already have the kayfabe answer, but that’s like stating why there were obviously black stormtroopers)?

Aside from one liners, there wouldn’t be much creativity. And my voice maybe a little too flat for sound bytes with punctual impact.

Then fear sets in because, from my experience, the start of the year is also tough humor wise. We all sit back and remind ourselves of where we fell short, remember the dead comedians from the prior year, and wonder how we can laugh it off. Last year, I tried with satire and comparing my existence to “Schrodinger’s Cat,” but dark humor doesn’t seem to work when everyone is in a dark place. Oh the number of friends and family I had to block on Facebook and Twitter for failing to understand my plight or at least chuckle at it. If people didn’t understand or smirk, were the blogs alive or dead?

Trying to relate “No Holds Barred” to the indie show I saw last weekend, “AAW Presents: One Twisted Christmas” seemed like a daunting task. All that immediately had come to mind was comparing the promos of the legitimately injured to the crippling of Randy, and that’s distasteful. That, and this show was awesome. Mismanaged in terms of time and booking placement, but much better than the well structured Mr. Hogan’s Opus.

I’d still like to review the event in this blog, so when you get to the italic font, you’ll know the satirical stuff has ended and the indie wrestling insight begins.

Fortunately, I remembered that I had just finally gotten around to watching “Jackie Brown,” starring Tiny “Zeus” Lister, instead of drinking in downtown P-Town, fearing the concept of making conversation with old high school relations I never had anything in common with.

Sorry Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, but only Peoria, Illinois, can claim to be the one and only P-Town. It was Kurt Angle who noted on the April 23, 2002 taping of “Smackdown” that the city’s name sounds like a urinary (a pee) infection. Since a Yinzer made the argument, my hometown claim shant be disputed.

Why Haven’t We Gotten the Next Tiny Lister?

I know, there will be a lot of people who probably say the first time they remember seeing Lister as a pivotal character was in “Friday” portraying the antagonist, Deebo. And I’m certain they’re lying. Lister had many supporting roles, but did he ever get a poster until NHB? You couldn’t ignore the coverage wrestling (cable’s powerhouse programming until people started paying $16.95 for HBO) gave him. He may have never been on “Saturday Night Live,” but he was on “Saturday’s Nights Main Event.” Good or bad, NHB did a lot for his career in entertainment. This man is the absolute go to when a director needs an intimidating black heavy or planetary president (regardless of color), all because he was in a WWE Films’ release.

Why hasn’t another star been born from this movie company? It’s because these films only focus on improving the stock of WWE’s established superstars. Granted, that’s a better strategy than the one used by “Body Slam” and “Ready to Rumble,” but we already know what we like to see these performers in. This may have been the downfall of “No Holds Barred,” and keep in mind, Dwayne Johnson's Hollywood journey started with a supporting role in an established movie franchise. For a WWE film, starring a WWE talent, to possibly be good, we cannot think of the star as a wrestler. But this doesn’t mean a star can’t be born from a bad film. Zeus is the evidence of that.

Yes, I used Zeus without quotes instead of Lister. This is because the movie didn’t put him over as an actor. It could be said that he was already an established thespian, but NHB made him an instant wrestling sensation. The time on top didn’t go beyond a year, but he did it with perhaps never taking an actual flat-back. I’m glad neither the DVD or Blu-ray release has any type of alternate commentary. I won’t have to research the bump-taking history of Zeus, at least not by watching the film again.

Is “Sami Zayn: The Movie” going to immediately sell him to the 3.5 million people who seem to resist buying the WWE Network (why else would they only advertise on two TV shows?)? The answer is no. I think “El Generico’s Main Event of the Dead might do it (there are still some rewrites to make, so I’m open to an overhaul if needed [Please send promotion suggestions to russthebus07@gmail.com]), but that’s neither here nor there. If Zayn was leading a group of survivors against Jacob Goodnight in "See No Evil 3,” he may become a hit in the ring and the DVD shelves. I don’t have Photoshop at my weekend job, so I can’t come up with a “A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: The Dream Warriors” knock off poster.

So my question is, why isn’t Alexander Rusev and Lana the villains in “Marine 4: Moving Target?” Maybe it’s because we’d be rooting for them instead of The Miz (they should have cast Mizdow). I’d suggest Antonio Cesaro as the villain, but if Damien Sandow is the protagonist, the audience would be at a stalemate.

What WWE Films needs to do is place stars against stars to get the most out of what they’re doing. If Robert Patrick wasn’t the fucking Terminator, he could have used a heavy like Mr. Kennedy…Kennedy. Now that Aidan Gillen has established himself as Littlefinger, we should expect him to have fellow Irishmen and star of “The Escapist,”, Sheamus, to stand between him and Cena. Or WWE Films could have just cast Edge in either antagonist role, but I like there to be a Brell/Zeus dynamic.

You are making films for wrestling fans. Why limit them to one wrestler per flick? Imagine “The Condemned” with eight WWE stars and Vinnie Jones. Would that have meant you’d have to actually take CM Punk off the road? Like Randy Orton could carry a flick (let alone a match) on his own.

With that said, I should have made this a video blog and figured out a way to take a face bump to close it. I could see about having my cat or two-year old nephew tripping me. Just so I could be featured on an “Out of Nowhere” vine for the last comment.

All American Wrestling: One Twisted Christmas (Berwyn, IL, 12/27/14)

Note to the Wrestling Compadres, maybe you should put the Booker T call on at the end of the podcast. The calls are amusing, but I listen for wrestling on the grander stages, not for talk about a promotion in Houston. People who visit my page are there for my current efforts to draw attention to the concept of a pro-wrestling zombie comedy screenplay, “Main Event of the Dead (treatments available upon request, e-mail russthebus07@gmail.com),” through reminding them the importance of the what was the best know pro-wrestling film for nearly 20 years (where’s “Ready to Rumble’s” Blu-ray?). When #RAW and #Dookie are used, they aren’t coming for a critique of a Chicago wrestling promotion.

This may mean I just need a Roku box because I think that’s the way the territories may be revived. AAW has a show on MaddyGTV via that streaming service, I imagine more promotions will follow suit. I’ve only one HD TV, and all my inputs are spent. Why isn’t wrestling showing love to Chromecast…and Wii U?

Since I don’t have a Roku box, I don’t know how AAW episodes are aired. They maybe shown on YouTube, so I might not have an excuse to for my ignorance (or to not be caught up on Reality of Wrestling), but there’s a good chance that some of these matches will be aired.

Like the time limit draw between Matt Cage and Louis Lyndon. These two are likely the future of the promotion with the ankle injury to Shane Hollister and that Eddie Kingston primarily works in the Northeast. The two wrestled a match that became cliche. It was the classic working too hard to protect each other’s reputation, so after a series of high spots near the time limit, they just went to the mat in a weak display of rapid punching.

So the “Main Event of the Dead” match of the weak is Rick Rude versus Jake Roberts from “Wrestlemania IV.” It ends with Rude getting a cheap take down and cover with feet in the ropes. Rude looks smart and Roberts looks strong as the 15 minute time limit expires.

A time limit draw in a pick 'em match cannot be on early in the card. We know each has too much to lose in a fall. If you’re going to a draw, you can’t do it with a spot where you look alike. If not the Rude/Roberts spot, then switch finishing move near misses. The moment they started punching like Brit aristocrats, I knew the bell was going to ring.

After this match, we found that Hideo Itami (for an authentic feel, maybe ring announcers should announce him as Itami Hideo…watch some Lenni Hardt tapes) cannot reclaim the “Go To Sleep” as Colt Cabana has added it to his repertoire. He also did it from the opposite side to accommodate the hated handicapped Gregory Iron. If there is anything to complain about was the limited abilities of their costars. Dick Justice is fun, but he’s just goofy that gets over. Same for the former Moondog Bernard (and since he was on the main card, and I know I can out perform him, a Scoop Stevens comeback has moved up a few seats in the back of my brain). It doesn’t really impact the match, and aside from the cost for Cabana, you probably need inexpensive talent that gets over. Especially since it isn’t hard to replace.

As the night went on, so did “NEW DAY!” chants for the black wrestlers on the card. ACH did a great job just going with it in his match with Christian Faith. Faith (coincidentally) just doesn’t work for me. He moves a little slow before using his exceptional athletic ability to get himself over as a Kane knock off.

If I recall correctly, that match followed Uhaa Nation versus Dave Richards. This was a great strong-style match, and I think the crowd forgave Richards for mispronouncing Illinois (the S is silent, but it isn’t exactly pronounced how the French intended us to). The match should have main evented, but neither of these two are definitely AAW guys, and if I heard correctly, Davey needed to get to work in St. Louis at 6 a.m. Not exactly a ringing endorsement for the number two wrestling promotion and how they look after the guys who got praise for stepping up where Edge and Christian couldn’t last year.

Heidi Lovelace impresses again (and sells well enough to face John Cena in Santa Clara…if she wasn’t heading to Japan). Along side Matt Cage and Shane Hollister, Lovelace might have had the best cruiserweight performance of AAW performers. Yes, she was facing Chris Sabin, but the two knew how to tell the right story.

I know it’s not a popular stance, but the future of women’s wrestling maybe intergender competition. It’s the only way to let them get over as talent instead of eye-candy, unless it’s a women’s promotion, and again, the emphasis has to be on wrestling over eye-candy. You could say too much of this kind of match will water it down. I respond with nothing can water down great story telling.

One Twisted Chrismas was awesome because it had two main event quality matches, a great X-Mas theme fans bring the weapons match (if only they played “Christmas in Hollis” over it for more of a New Jack feel), and a solid undercard. Solid undercard matches throughout, including the main event, Eddie Kingston and Jimmy Jacobs versus Ethan Page and Josh Alexander.

It may have been the main event the fans wanted. The show was running long, so the chants were probably being thrown out by the crowd so that they would know they were still awake. Unfortunately the “NEW DAY!” chants continued, and the black talent wasn’t in the main event. Carrying over into the main event may mean that this chant may get over as the new yes, so perhaps Kofi Kingston will finally get his world title.

Kayfabe is dead on the indies, so I don’t feel bad about my TNA commentary. The problem is the chants denounce kayfabe as well. Since Jacobs was recently a Rosebud, the crowd took a break from “NEW DAY!” to do the Adam Roses “da da da da da…da da da da.” And like a true professional, Jacobs played to them. This didn’t take away from a headlining match that was suppose to build heat for Kingston’s next title defense against Alexander. It was the pre-planned comedy spot.

This spot played to the promo that led to the tag match. To challenge Kingston, Page and Alexander awaken Jacobs from a nap to find the champ. A confrontation ensued, Kingston joined the fray and the spirit of Teddy Long ruled the day.

In the first five minutes of the match, Page puts Jacobs down with a sleeper, but does not have the referee check Jacobs consciousness. Instead, Jacobs curls up in the center of the ring, Page lays with him until it disturbs him. To comfort his opponent, Page grabs Jacobs coat to serve as a blanket. As he adjust the sheets, a cranky Zombie Princess awakens. Then the Rosebud chants followed. And the main event feel was lost for me, no matter how snug (irony) the rest of the match looked.

I suppose that’s what happens when your main event isn’t an announced match. The upside, we know whats at stake January 23 and what to look forward to. If the undercard stays solid, and we don’t have another time limit draw, thinks should be better. Everything is culminating for the bigger venue, Bourbon Street in Marionette Park, IL.

Danielle Cicchiello - www.pinterest.com/dani823