No Holds Barred: Vince McMahon’s Mein Kampf

The title and content of this blog is satirical. I do not believe there is any evidence to suggest that the McMahon family or WWE Inc. (whom I am a single stock holder in) has any intentions to rule the Eastern Hemisphere or to encourage antisemitic sentiment.

Then again, there was the the rechristening of Colt Cabana as Scotty Goldman (a racist slur according to El Generico on “The Art of Wrestling: Episode 107”). Using the term rechristen seems wrong, don’t it? Also, Cabana did not deny Brendon Burns’s interesting description of the Goldman gimmick on AOW 210.

“No Holds Barred” is a film I have seen on two occurrences. The first being the weekend prior to “Wrestlemania VIII,” a weekend that also featured an airing of Hulk Hogan’s greatest wrestling matches. This may imply that Vince McMahon may have held the cable television premier of this feature until Hogan’s first farewell to the company, as a way of saying, “this is how promising you can be away from Stamford, so be ready for Las Vegas next April.”

As a twelve year-old, I learned to appreciate my parents following the direction of the MPAA, with Tim Burton’s “Batman” being the only PG-13 rated film they would gamble the developing minds of my siblings and I for. In 1994, with the release of “Interview with a Vampire,” I learned that Mom just wanted to have someone to talk about a movie with since Dad didn’t want to see it. I’m sure my blogs in the near future, on weeks with only weak wrestling to watch on Hulu, we will inevitably dive into my parents influence on my development, so let us get back on track.

NHB was the first feature that I knew was not worth seeing in the theater. This made me regret the number of wretched childrens’ cinema that my siblings and I drug my parents to see. It may be said that WWE Films may be the ultimate form of birth control because I am not up for karma.

Breeding was a low priority before I started typing this up. The fear of a life where I cannot avoid a 60-inch television airing a “Land Before Time” sequel (dinosaurs don’t sing) or Hanna-Barbera spreading the heroics of John Cera allows me to welcome a radioactive incident to my genitals.

I suspect gamma would solve the futility concerns, and be interesting when I get angry. But how could I be angry preventing another child from joining the Cenation?

Once a child joins the Cena fanbase (thankfully, a lot of them are Make-A-Wish kids [send hate tweets to @MainEventZombie]), I fear there is no winning them back. This is how I ended up coming back to NHB 22 years later. January 23, 1984 is the most important date in wrestling history. Those with that belief are forever Hulkamaniacs.

“No Holds Barred” cannot be as bad as I remembered it. All it takes is a little classical conditioning. All the Hulkster did was great, until he dawned a tutu (way before the sex tape and Gawker).

Since maineventofthedead.com is dedicated to the development of producing “Main Event of the Dead: The Podcast” and originally “Main Event of the Dead: The Zombie Pro-Wrestling B-Movie Comedy,” I have developed a very different cinematic tastes than most movie-goers. So if one chooses to revisit NHB, thinking like Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbet may be the only way to survive and thrive from it.

I don’t really blame Hulk Hogan for how wretched the film can be at points. He’s asked to be the character of Hulk Hogan. Until the heel turn…or his exposing of the business in “Rocky III,” when did it have depth? Kurt Fuller does his best to shine (sorry, get heat) as THE villain (his chance to flick off Vigo the Carpathian). Tiny Lister is fun no matter his role (why else would he later be cast as President of the Earth?). And who did not get a kick out of Stan Hansen playing a character instead of just being the baddest blind man in history. He may have hated the legacy, even the process, but it at least looked like he was having fun.

The problems are:

• A supporting cast that knew they were in a feature that should have been shot on nitrate film and used in the finale of “Inglourious Basterds.”
• It is the prototype of a bad episode of prime-time WWE.

The first point, I advise you to watch the Troma classic, “The Toxic Avenger,” at least until the fast food restaurant robbery. Compare it to the the armed robbery at the restaurant where Rip is the “adopted” son of the black, soul-loving owner. Both scenes are, in essence, bad. But when you know it is bad, the cast should celebrate it to put it over. They do so in “Toxie,” not so much in NHB. I suppose that is the difference between working on a Lloyd Kaufman film and one that was ironically being distributed by Ted Turner’s New Line Cinema.

Could NHB have been an attempt to leave a bad taste in the mouth of the man who had purchased Jim Crockett Promotions a year earlier?

As for the second point, look at the finale to the film. I will get to the most disturbing aspect of it in a paragraph or so. The miracle of Randy walking after a beating that couldn’t have possibly left him crippled shows that McMahon is too lazy to develop a method to a solution. What makes that worse than a bad “Monday Night Raw” is that Zack Ryder at least took a week or so off before he came back from having been pushed off by the character that Zeus was a prototype for.

A side note, I am watching NHB (for a third time) as of two paragraphs ago to purge the confusion of just watching “The Purge (is the short third act suppose to negate the socialist pleas of the first two?).” This film could have definitely used an acting coach. Why do I think that Vince McMahon was on set as Hogan shook the crap out of the limo driver?

As for the implication (satirical) in the title of the blog, let me start with the incoherent dwarf (midget for the marks) being inexplicably held up in a cage. Dink the Clown at least got the freedom to roam around. Besides for comedy bits until his Heath Slater association, Hornswoggle was there so we could have a short guy to laugh at.

This film being so pathetic (16 million in a year where “Ghostbusters 2” made nearly 10-times that justifies that term) may have delayed the “Attitude Era.” Not until Stamford was nearly bankrupt did they consider the premises in this film to be good ideas. Thankfully, Vince Russo was there to have the sense to tone them down.

• Stephanie McMahon nearly wedding The Undertaker is just Samantha nearly getting raped.
• I previously mentioned that Zeus is as effective as the initial Kane concept. Maybe they should have had Kurt Fuller watch some Percival Pringle III for the proper voice inflection.
• The rednecks that Zeus runs through to be the tough guy maybe a metaphor for McMahon’s despise for the Southern attitude that WCW never shook.
• Rip’s limited expressions may imply McMahon’s dream to control all of the thoughts that his
  Superstars express.
• “Jock-ass” may have been the first attempt to make something in wrestling trending (25 years before it’s time).
• Rip is the prototype of what McMahon thinks John Cena should be. Cena might be smart getting away from the action films so we cannot draw that Rip/Cena parallel.
• Rip ripping apart Zeus’s gym is no different than Steve Austin and a McMahon-owned vehicle.

You can go on and on about suggestions of how NHB is the current WWE. I will address the finale to cap it off. McMahon would love to see all of his programs end with the heel being annihilated. How long was it until Umaga was released after failing to beat Cena? Why did Yokozuna never get a return match with Bret Hart? What if the Great Kali didn’t keep India watching?

McMahon was just imagining the next edition to the franchise, and to move on, you have to create new enemies. There was no point to keep Mr. Brell around, so why not make sure he cannot return for the sequel, in the most sadistic way possible. It is obvious that Mr. Brell is what Vince McMahon thinks a villain should be, he just didn’t have the time to humiliate the character with a catheter and a bed pan.

If the Brell character was beloved, I would have loved to see how he would have been brought back for “No Holds Barred 2.” Perhaps that explains the McMahon death story line.

I maybe reading too much into a poor attempt to make a “Rocky” movie (black manager parallel/the pro-Zeus crowd turning on him). If you take into account that Sylvester Stallone’s politics are obvious in all of his action films, it is not unfair to make the suggestion that “No Holds Barred” is how Vince McMahon thinks his industry should be like. The 23-years between theatrical and DVD release is an indication to me that he did not want us to realize it until it was too late.

I wonder if McMahon gave prints of the film to Randy Savage and Ms. Elizabeth, Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella, Cody and Eden, etc., as wedding gifts. If so, the actual reason for Punk’s departure before marrying AJ Lee may not have been over a push.

No Holds Barred: Kubrick-ian Evidence that CENA SUCKS!

“@MainEventZombie So well thought out!! (u gave your NHB blog so much more brain power than that film deserved) #Dookie”–The Wrestling Compadres Twitter Account.

Too bad last week’s blog got most of its views before I cleaned it up to send a request out on Monday using #RAW. If they find out at the day job, I may be out of the copywriter gig. Not to say that would be a bad thing. Give me a raise now or at least make it as alcoholic friendly as it is on AMC.

Thinking about having permission to drink at my advertising job makes me wonder how anything got done in the “Mad Men” era. Then I realize that political correctness wasn’t prevalent until the Cold War ended, and you think back to some of that advertising out of Sterling Cooper, alcohol allowed them creative freedom or at least the freedom to not be sensitive to the public.

So yes @WrestlingBuds, I have a tendency to put too much brain power into the irreverent. If that doesn’t qualify me from hosting or being involved with a podcast, what will. If I can only find the clip of the promo where Austin Aries shoves me into a women’s bathroom to solidify my credentials with the Nerdist Wrestling Experts (AAW Final Four 2008).

Guess I’ll have to continue focusing “No Holds Barred” to keep it fresh in their minds, so that I shan’t be forgotten when the “The Wrestling Compadres Slamcast” finally presents their episode dedicated to the first Hulk Hogan billed feature.

What if “No Holds Barred” actually had stars?

This is not a shot at Kurt Fuller, but if you look at his career, he was always a go-to lackey for the main villain. Maybe he should have been cast in the recent DirecTV commercials as the less attractive or painfully awkward Rob Lowe (can’t knock “Wayne’s World”). I have heard Lowe is awful to work with, and now he is taking jobs away on top of that.

Regardless of what Fuller tends to be cast in, 1989 was supposed to be his breakout year since he was also in “Ghostbusters II.” The same goes for Joan Severance with 89 being her her attempts to break in to features including “See No Evil, Hear No Evil.” At least it cannot be claimed that she was miscast in NHB because she was destined to replace Linda Fiorentino in the sequels to “The Last Seduction.”

The only other person in the film that could claim to be a movie star was Jesse Ventura. I will probably return to that talent later on in this blog, but lets return to the lack of star power instead of a guy who could have carried the film.

Well, let me play fantasy casting director for a moment. I should explain why The Body should have filled in for Tiny Lister. Ventura could have at least created a dynamic between the monster and the executive. Thus, Fuller would still be the bad guy he never had the chance to be, but he wouldn’t have had to overuse “jock-ass” since Ventura could use his established star power to keep our interest, physique to intimidate, and a few worthwhile one liners.

Also, Ventura was an established wrestler hence immediately believable. Did McMahon intend to make Lister a wrestler for more than six months? Could the set of NHB be considered the first NXT?

If NHB had some stars for Hulk Hogan to work with, it may have limited some of his cartoonish bits. If Hogan had a familiar face like Clint Howard to shake the shit from, he may have toned down the growling. This is based on the fact that we did not get any scenes like that in “Suburban Commando,” at least not with Christopher Lloyd.

If you want to dispute this, I will head over to my parents and pick up the VHS dub of the Paul Roma/Mark Calaway classic to re-watch it. Especially since I think that six-hour tape has the “Dare to be Stupid” era “Weird” Al Yankovic documentary on it as well. Oh how I miss the ability to get the most out of Blockbuster with a second VCR and extra coax.

You can argue that “Suburban Commando” is a kids film, but I think the implied dismemberment in the first 10 minutes makes the case that it is more of an action flick. If you take into account the next action film Hogan was in, which wasn’t trying to keep the legacy of “Thunder in Paradise” relevant, he was acting with Carl “Action Jackson” Weathers, Shannon Tweed (she was a star), and the under-appreciated, the late great Trevor Goddard (Dolph Lundgren's “Men of War” is my vintage background noise), you can’t say that Hogan had any unbearable action movies. “Assault on Devil’s Island” amused us as we waited for Sting to sign the Starrcade 1997 contract, so it at least served its purpose better than NHB.

To make a watchable wrestler-billed vehicle, it cannot be a kids flick (name a good Austin, Triple H, Cena or Hogan example) and has to have recognizable stars to lead the grappler. Let me emphasize, watchable.“They Live” was the work of an auteur, John Carpenter, hence it’s greatness. Or it was great just for being satire, an art form which Vince McMahon will never suggest his stars to partake in (another reason Punk left?). I’m not a fan of “The Condemned,” but it had Vinnie Jones, so I was not disappointed when I saw it, at least from the performers.

Look at Steve Austin’s action resume and the costars. When in doubt, I can turn to any of his Netflix vehicles with an actor who was featured on “The Voice Versus” or costarred with him in “The Expendables.”

After Austin, the next WWE Films’ star was supposed to be John Cena. I guess “The Marine” has to be considered a success since it spawned three sequels (2014), but the first one would have been nothing without Robert Patrick hamming it up. Patrick’s performance was good enough or it at least displayed his ability to put up with the surrounding bullshit. And it didn’t force John Cena to stretch his range as a performer.

I guess Robert Patrick, like Vinnie Jones, gave Cena a great start as a movie star. You cannot the say the same about “12 Rounds.” It may pain me to say this, but Aiden “Little Finger” Gillen was not established (“Shanghai Knights” was better the first time when it was “Rush Hour”). On top of that it was a Renny Harlin movie with no Samuel Jackson for a shark to eat or John McClane-esque dialogue. Hence, “12 Rounds” was nothing more than John Cena’s “No Holds Barred.”

Cena sucks because his variant on Hulk Hogan’s first top-billing couldn’t draw us in. We at least knew going into NHB that we were watching Hulk Hogan “The Character’s” movie. Even though it ended up being amusingly bad, it is still amusing. “12 Rounds” was just John Cena reading dialogue without the ability to break the fourth wall and show some kind of response to “Cena Sucks.” How the hell can we say “we watch the same thing on Mondays, so it can’t be that bad?”

So over thinking “No Holds Barred” has further exemplified how bad pro-wrestling may be right now. The next 17-time World Champion cannot wrestle as well as Flair or out act the Hulkster (again 2014). Perhaps Jonny Loquasto is not angry at the movie, he’s angry that it felt like Vince McMahon had just pried his eye lids open and turn on the Beethoven. Next think you know, we will all be feeling noxious when we here Ric Flair music play because of the subconscious associated to the films of Stanley Kubrick.

Fortunately for Vince McMahon, his target demographic is unfamiliar with Droogs or HAL 9000.

Check out “Main Event of the Dead.” My blog dedicated to the efforts to begin production on my screenplay about pro wrestlers versus zombies with tacky gimmicks comedy. If it you don’t think it’ll work as a B-Movie, maybe it can be a podcast.

Fantasy Booking: No Holds Barred - The Survivor Series Match

CM Punk: The Seeds for a “No Holds Barred” Remake

With the announcement that CM Punk will be writing for the “Thor” comic books, I was kind of confused. It’s one of those, “I guess it can work, but I don’t know why it should moment.”

The Second City Saint has only wrestled. We are all aware of his fandom for comic books, but had he ever done anything to indicate that he aspired to write for them. The WWE’s documentary “CM Punk: Best in the World” focused on his love for punk rock. “ROH Straight Shootin’ Series: CM Punk and Colt Cabana,” made no mention of his literary (Time Magazine listed “Watchmen” in the top 100 of important literature since the magazine’s inception) intentions. Of course Cabana’s not a comic book guy, so maybe they were mentioned in the shoot interview with Samoa Joe. At least I’ll have something to write about next week.

Name Dropping:

My experience with Punk was during the one week he had left with the WWE Championship in 2011 at an AAW show he would eventually make a cameo at, which WWE prevented from being released on DVD. We didn’t talk about comics. I was just the guy who he asked about who the guys were that were wrestling as we watched on a small TV in the back, and whom he gave a nasty look when I called a shoulder breaker “vintage Scott Norton.” In my defense, I had withdrawn from WWE for their treatment of women, ironically through Michael Cole, and I forgotten that vintage is as valid a term as “what a maneuver.”

To pile on the typical nerd stereotype, how were we to know he practiced writing original stuff? If he doesn’t have his own characters, why does a nerd get to write for the God of Thunder. The typical nerd just complains…or writes crappy, scarcely shared fanfiction. And who cares about the typical nerds who aren’t focused on only getting into the comic book business? I suggest no one since I doubt Kevin Smith was asked to write for DC and Marvel until after his success on the big screen. Smith may had to have also proved that his comics about his characters could sell.

Yes. A lot of the rant sounds like The Justice League talking shit about The Avengers. I was trying to pull out a more clever variant on the old kitchenware adage, but the first thing that came to mind was Star Wars Fans and Trekkies. That doesn’t work since Star Wars kicks the dookie (yes this is another NHB blog) out of Trek. Imagine how awesome “The Force Awakens” is going to be based on this premise.

Maybe I’m not a nerd because I approve of the concept of gungans (it’s impossible not to shoot those CG humanoids, in more ways than one) so I’m not much for complaining. On the flip side, my instructors at college were advocates for my criticism of film, so I may just be protective of certain visions.

And I’ve come around to believing that Punk will have that vision. It would be hypocritical for me not to.

The entire character of CM Punk was brilliant. It’s a character that he created, and had 14 years of success with (the number is based on the fall of ECW and rise of Punk [BP/AP if he welcomes a god complex]). Since he proved it could work with plenty of immediate nay sayers, there’s a great chance he can carry someone who is established (thus the fall of the New Nexus, lack of established characters). How can we not embrace The Summer of Thor?

Perhaps his entire career existed to write comic books. I suggest this because I want to rewrite bad movies that I love, or the films some aspiring actresses loved (and had me watch the while leaving me at the plate with bat on my shoulder [what is th base should I have rounded for watching “Biodome” and “Hudson Hawk]), and make them into good flicks.

"Main Event of the Dead: The Screenplay” (get the treatment by emailing russthebus07@gmail.com) was written because it can be produced quickly and for next to and nothing, should be funny enough to conquer it’s short comings, but most importantly, gets my name out there as someone who can do great things with characters.

I would like to think that the script isn’t my best because it is a B-Movie, but with the lack of success as an indie wrestler, the indie screenplays based around my experiences may not have what it takes to demand seven-figure budgets. But if I could fix, “No Holds Barred,” maybe I can attach the personal films to the contract.

Should I start working on a treatment now? It’ll at least give my tumblr “Rip ‘em System” some material.

Maybe I should have called this blog “Chasing #Dookie.”

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No Holds Barred 2: Dana White of Future Past

Fantasy Booking: No Holds Barred - The Survivor Series Match

Am I actually breaking news here? I have not seen Wrestlezone.com make note of it, neither has any of the five wrestling podcast that I listen to. The “Wrestling Observer Newsletter” (www.f4wonline.com) must really be the premier news website.

Maybe they could use a designer who is an expert in usability (please excuse the slight hiccup)?

The WWE Network is utilizing the TV-MA rating, thus, if you watch ECW Cyberslam 96, you can hear Brian Pillman call Eric Bischoff a “Fucking Piece of Shit!” And I had to pay 90.00 to get this memory while everyone else got it for free this month. Of course, they probably wouldn’t look for it. I know @rosenbergradio doesn’t consider ECW to be an important part of the Monday Night War since he doesn’t feel let down not hearing “Natural Born Killas” by Dr. Dre and Ice Cube during a New Jack match.

Truthfully, I had already paid $30.00, 14 years ago, to get this Easter egg on the Pioneer DVD release of “ECW Path of Destruction.” At least my subscription to the network means I no longer have to look up the button combination to get to the clip.

So hale to the IWC and Podcast world. If WWE doesn’t know what or how to advertise they’re future, nor should we.

Speaking of the Podcast world, the “Wrestling Compadre Slamcast” decided that the best way to have fun with Survivor Series week was by coming up with their fantasy Survivor Series teams. It’s a fun exercise, but it reminds me why I think the pinnacle of video gaming ended with the cartridge. The annual WWE releases weren’t a reminder that wrestling was better before the monopoly was established. Thus, players are led to be more concerned about combining the few stars they followed on the indies with their heroes from the first 16 Wrestlemanias. Or to just live through the great stories over again, only needing to get past the feel of dubbed films from Hong Kong.

People buy new Madden and FIFA games every year for the new teams, not the old products. WWE either needs to improve their current TV products or make things so wretched outside of the ring, we demand wrestling to forget about it. NFL football’s play is horrid, but as long as they’re playing, we forget about elevator videos. I can only hope that WWE doesn’t pay too much attention to this blog. It would feel better if they would pay me for my “Main Event of the Dead” zombie-wrestling comedy screenplay rather than receiving residuals when the Nikki Bella goes Knowles sister on John Cena video angle comes out.

Sorry for the lengthiness of my criticism of the WWE product line instead of just cutting to why the line ups the Compadres came up with can only work in the confines of the lesser video game systems. When is the Wii U going to get some love?

Their teams feature no context, since the squads are comprised of competitors from all 28 Survivor Series pay-per-views. Thus, they can’t really be fantasy booked. It is up to the best button smasher to determine how the three-way Survivor Series would work out.

So, I’m holding off my essay on how WWE could have done more to prevent the WCW World Heavyweight Championship reign of David Arquette. Instead, I’m going to provide a Fantasy Survivor Series centered around Hulk Hogan’s opus “No Holds Barred.”

1989 was kind of an end of an era. With the success of “Batman,” the days of uber-violent action films had ended. Action films had to be made to appeal to the widest audience. Tim Burton’s film also required that action films had to be good, if not awesome. Thus, after “Tango & Cash” the tacky action films (I should say, tacky action films that weren’t poor adaptation of fringe comic books) on the big screen had ended, until revived by video store loving auteurs like Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, and only after they proved their talent.

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1989 was comprised of three memorable tacky-action films. Two of these movies are undisputed classics, “Road House” and “Tango & Cash.” The third film is “No Holds Barred.” Thus, my Survivor Series match will feature the heroes of these films.

Team Rip:

Rip

Dalton (Patrick Swayze)

Wade Garrett (Sam Elliot)

Gabriel Cash (Kurt Russell)

Raymond Tango (Sylvester Stallone)

You can complain about the lack of wrestlers on this team, but all these stars had to deal with wrestlers in at least one of their classic films. If you remember “The Hulksters” versus “The Million Dollar Team” from 1989, I think actual wrestling accolades may be secondary to the extravaganza. Swayze and Elliot were facing off with Terry Funk in “Road House,” and Stallone dealt with Funk multiple times. Stallone may deserve to be in the celebrity wing of the WWE Hall of Fame since he brought the world’s attention to Hulk Hogan.

At best, I maybe only be able to bring in two heels from the Rowdy Harrington classic. Scratch that, three heels come from this film since no one has a problem with seeing Ben Gazzara die. Kurt Fuller’s accidental death in the finale of NHB left a bad taste in my mouth (as indicated in my first blog in my NHB series, now on Tublr’s Rip ‘Em System). Who didn’t have a grand laugh at the good old boys of Jasper getting away with executing Brad Wesley with shot guns?

Regardless of whether or not we replace Brell with Wesley, the heels still need two partners. And one of them has to protect Kurt Russell. So, the Team Zeus will feature two performers from past 80’s films of T&C stars.

Team Zeus:

Zeus

Morgan (Terry Funk)

Jimmy (thespian and friend of Chuck Norris, Marshall R. Teauge)

From “New York 1997” Slag (Ox Baker)

“The Ultimate Male"Thunderlips

Hulkster versus Hulkster: How’s that for fantasy booking? Throw in some run in from the "Neanderthal” Stan Hansen and Jake “The Unmasked Superstar” Bullett, imagine the PPV buys. Definitely worth $9.99. And from here, we can build to the No Holds Barred: The Match/The Movie. I’m thinking Daulton heel turn, or Rocky Balboa returns to ensure the “ideal” Hulk Hogan wins the day.

If you’re going to book, book backwards as Jim Ross says. I just hope our stars stay healthy so we can have them ready for the team of Oliver Platt, David Arquette, Goldberg, Sting, and Martin Landau at Wrestlemania.