The title and content of this blog is satirical. I do not believe there is any evidence to suggest that the McMahon family or WWE Inc. (whom I am a single stock holder in) has any intentions to rule the Eastern Hemisphere or to encourage antisemitic sentiment.
Then again, there was the the rechristening of Colt Cabana as Scotty Goldman (a racist slur according to El Generico on “The Art of Wrestling: Episode 107”). Using the term rechristen seems wrong, don’t it? Also, Cabana did not deny Brendon Burns’s interesting description of the Goldman gimmick on AOW 210.
“No Holds Barred” is a film I have seen on two occurrences. The first being the weekend prior to “Wrestlemania VIII,” a weekend that also featured an airing of Hulk Hogan’s greatest wrestling matches. This may imply that Vince McMahon may have held the cable television premier of this feature until Hogan’s first farewell to the company, as a way of saying, “this is how promising you can be away from Stamford, so be ready for Las Vegas next April.”
As a twelve year-old, I learned to appreciate my parents following the direction of the MPAA, with Tim Burton’s “Batman” being the only PG-13 rated film they would gamble the developing minds of my siblings and I for. In 1994, with the release of “Interview with a Vampire,” I learned that Mom just wanted to have someone to talk about a movie with since Dad didn’t want to see it. I’m sure my blogs in the near future, on weeks with only weak wrestling to watch on Hulu, we will inevitably dive into my parents influence on my development, so let us get back on track.
NHB was the first feature that I knew was not worth seeing in the theater. This made me regret the number of wretched childrens’ cinema that my siblings and I drug my parents to see. It may be said that WWE Films may be the ultimate form of birth control because I am not up for karma.
Breeding was a low priority before I started typing this up. The fear of a life where I cannot avoid a 60-inch television airing a “Land Before Time” sequel (dinosaurs don’t sing) or Hanna-Barbera spreading the heroics of John Cera allows me to welcome a radioactive incident to my genitals.
I suspect gamma would solve the futility concerns, and be interesting when I get angry. But how could I be angry preventing another child from joining the Cenation?
Once a child joins the Cena fanbase (thankfully, a lot of them are Make-A-Wish kids [send hate tweets to @MainEventZombie]), I fear there is no winning them back. This is how I ended up coming back to NHB 22 years later. January 23, 1984 is the most important date in wrestling history. Those with that belief are forever Hulkamaniacs.
“No Holds Barred” cannot be as bad as I remembered it. All it takes is a little classical conditioning. All the Hulkster did was great, until he dawned a tutu (way before the sex tape and Gawker).
Since maineventofthedead.com is dedicated to the development of producing “Main Event of the Dead: The Podcast” and originally “Main Event of the Dead: The Zombie Pro-Wrestling B-Movie Comedy,” I have developed a very different cinematic tastes than most movie-goers. So if one chooses to revisit NHB, thinking like Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbet may be the only way to survive and thrive from it.
I don’t really blame Hulk Hogan for how wretched the film can be at points. He’s asked to be the character of Hulk Hogan. Until the heel turn…or his exposing of the business in “Rocky III,” when did it have depth? Kurt Fuller does his best to shine (sorry, get heat) as THE villain (his chance to flick off Vigo the Carpathian). Tiny Lister is fun no matter his role (why else would he later be cast as President of the Earth?). And who did not get a kick out of Stan Hansen playing a character instead of just being the baddest blind man in history. He may have hated the legacy, even the process, but it at least looked like he was having fun.
The problems are:
- A supporting cast that knew they were in a feature that should have been shot on nitrate film and used in the finale of “Inglourious Basterds.”
- It is the prototype of a bad episode of prime-time WWE.
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